172. "ANDROID LOCKER", KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
An android locker is where androids store their stuff. And human bodies. In one such god-forsaken place, two androids meet. One is a first generation model called Zero, the other is 87th generation - Ace for short. A friendship grows and they end up running away to live in a cabin in the mountains. There they live peacefully, except in the odd moment where they have to machine gun down children and crush them into flesh cubes. As the nearest villages get together a SMART mob to burn their cabin to the ground, the androids reflect on their lives. And then melt. Meanwhile, two completely different androids make obscene gestures at each other.
171. "SENTIENT HOUSE", KS02/CM02/FD02, CAMBRIDGE
On a tiny asteroid, a man has built a sentient house. They live together there for thousands of years - bickering, confiding in one another and maybe falling in love. Between bouts of hyper-sleep there is also holodeck-assisted dating and world wars resulting in a knee-deep field of bones. One day the man wants to leave and meet other humans. Increasingly, nothing is what it seems, so who is really in control and who is fooling who?
170. "SUSPENSION RAILWAY", KS02/CM02, HAMBURG
An elderly mad scientist plays with the model village she's set up in her attic. Her grandson watches with adoration. Meanwhile on the suspension railway - a young girl and a biscuit magnate make fast friends. Everything goes to hell when the alien underclass Kravs rebel and everyone starts mutating. The model is destroyed, trashing the real transport system in the process and it all ends with a spectacular train crash.
169. "THE SINGULARITY AT MY MUM'S HOUSE", KS02/CM02/FD02, BRISTOL
Somewhere in the future, two freedom fighters open a singularity that collapses all of space and time into a single point. Now everyone is everyone and everything is everything all at the same time. As realities pile on top of each other, blur together and then separate again, can the human race manage to survive and thrive long enough to play one final tune on the kazoo?
168. "HOME RECORDING STUDIO", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A seedy record producer and fading rockstar, working out of his own home studio, steals the songs and souls of young artists before releasing twisted evil versions onto digital streaming services. Meanwhile, a school girl tries to teach a young loser that not caring about being cool ... is cool. As an unlikely friendship blossoms between them they begin to share music with each other. It all ends in blood.
167. "BASKETBALL COURT", KS02/CM02, NOTTINGHAM COMEDY FESTIVAL
Lily has been sneaking out of the house to get away from her rich but emotionally distant parents. She goes to her school's basketball court in the middle of the night to shoot some hoops. There she is found by Fang, a bounty hunter in the pay of her parents. Their meeting is the jumping off point for a series of flashbacks about how a mild-mannered boy called Colin became the fearsome Fang in the first place - a story that incorporates bullying, prison breaks, bus driver murder and sex games with reanimated Neanderthals. Do Colin and Lily share a bond that will save them or is this the final nail in the coffin for both of them?
166. "GRANDMOTHER'S STEPS", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Maria and Tim are ghost hunters. They use the most sophisticated equipment the mid-90s can provide to detect supernatural elements. The problem is that the cupboard door wasn't open a few moments ago. And people are vomiting up their own skulls. And come to think of it, it's been 4.30am for as long as they both can remember...
165. "Comic Book Shop", KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
A comic book reader is looking for bargains amongst the long boxes and back issues. As he talks to the owner, aliens begin invading outside. Luckily the comic book shop has a secret basement full of space armour and the loader machine from Alien.
164. "BLADE RUNNER/ DUNE", KS02/CM02, HOOPLA LATES
We can't remember much about this one. It was too late at night. But there was definitely SPICE involved.
163. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: THE VOID OF SPACE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
Two astronauts hang in the void of space. Out in the darkness lies the great nothingness. But can the void be convinced that it exists and therefore isn't a void anymore using logic?
162. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: HUMAN RECYCLING", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
The inhabitants of a human recycling centre (and its neighbouring spaceship graveyard) prepare to defend their home from the terrifying robotic drones that patrol its foul smelling pathways.
161. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: SPACE CLASSROOM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A brilliant maths child genius is the lynchpin in a plan to thwart an alien invasion. Warning: contained peanuts.
160. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: LADDER IN A SWAMP", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A ladder in a swamp leads two scouts into the literal bowels of a telepathic moon creature. Can an arrogant space marine intervene in time to save the thousands of other scouts that have turned up to see the new discovery? Especially when he's been shot in the legs?
159. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: UNDER THE SEA", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A mad scientist meets up with his old school friend and shows off the tech he uses to control a giant squid. Everything turns out fine and no one gets eaten. Or the EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT.
158. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: ESCAPE POD/ ALIEN NEST", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
An escape pod has landed in an alien nest. The two passengers inside are terrified of the horrific aliens that lie just outside their capsule door, seemingly unaware of the visitors in their midsts. Except the aliens are totally aware and want to help - they just don't have the language (which sounds like guttural screaming to human ears). And who are the real monsters anyway?
157. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: SPACE BALLROOM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
There's going to be a giant space ball to celebrate the coming of age of a princess. But what happens when the rebels arrive, her long lost mother falls through a portal and the footmen don't know who to announce?
156. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: THE UNKNOWN", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
No one can remember what happened in this show. It has been wiped from everyone's memory. Something must have happened but what? What? WHAAAAAT?
155. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: PET CEMETERY", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A highschool student and her brother try to bring their beloved dog cat back from the dead. It doesn't work very well. But then other pets start coming to life. And then there's the matter of having a date for the prom.
154. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: TIME SHIP", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
In a deep space exploration vessel, time has gone a bit weird. The nearer you are to the front of the craft, the nearer you are to the end of your life. But you can go back to the rear and watch yourself being born. There are wedding bells around deck 5 for two crew members. But does the path of true love run smooth when chronology has gone all bumpy?
153. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: OMNI-MACHINE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A grandson helps his grandfather repair an ancient omni-machine. Another child is put on trial despite her friends attempts to defend her. And there's an emotional reunion between estranged family members that ends in violence and recriminations for everyone.
152. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: GIANT SPACE WORM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
Stuck inside a giant space worm, two colleagues fight to escape before they become all damp around the edges and get digested. They are an odd couple but finally find a way to reconcile and work together.
151. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: DROPSHIP HANGAR", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
In the dropship hangar, two crewmates drop ships on planets. Elsewhere a child enacts revenge on a construction worker that killed her father and made it look like an accident.
150. "BLADE ALIEN TO THE FUTURE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A mother joins her son on board his first command of a starship only to see him let everyone get killed by an alien. She is the best shot, the best pilot and also the best mum, but how can she be proud of this idiot? With a little time-travel, decisions can be reversed and any alien can be killed if you give it enough Pepperami in one go and don't do the Heimlich manoeuvre: a smart enough decision to make your mum proud.
149. "STARBUCKS AT THE CENTRE OF A MAZE", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Two travellers enter the maze, apart. Each one encounters the extraordinary life (and death) of the labyrinth; talking bricks and trees, ghosts, cursed twins and so forth. They both manage to get to the Starbucks, but will either find their way out? And more importantly; will either get to throw a Frappé at that annoying brick’s face?
148. "AFALON" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
After gaining posts as the only two operatives in the ops room of a barren planet, a married couple decide to secretly terraform it into a new paradise. It’s not the child they wanted, but it’s beautiful and theirs.
147. "SHOE SHOP STARGATE" KS02/CM02/FD02, SAUDI ARABIA
It’s Kim’s birthday and she invites shoe shop boss Brian to her party. Brian upholds strict shoe shop law and declines, knowing that as Kim’s manager, it’s not okay to also be her friend. Saddened by this, Kim flagrantly dismisses shoe shop rules and enters a forbidden back office where she discovers a stargate. Tempted through this vortex, Kim meets an employee that has been trapped for 90 years, a hideous race of human-flesh-eating dog creatures and a death trapped path. Will Kim escape? But more importantly, can she find a friend to come to her party.
146. "LOST AND FOUND AT STANSTED AIRPORT" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
Brian patiently attends the unfindable Lost and Found offices at Stansted Airport. His first (was she first?) customer Carol is invited in to find her gloves. Brian breaks the rules because they like one another and she gets better gloves than the ones she lost. He shows her a weird video he found. Steve impatiently attends the unfindable Lost and Found offices at Stansted Airport. His first (was she first?) customer is brief and impolite. The cycles repeat themselves as Brian and Carol spiral through time echoes in this strange place. Carol has lost her gloves.
145. "SWAMP MONSTER" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A coming of age wonder film. Two childhood friends investigate the disappearance of their Grandfathers; who everyone else seems to have forgotten ever existed...
144. "ASSASSIN'S SPACE BAR" KS02/CM02, THE FREE ASSOCIATION
Willy is a trainee assassin. He needs half a kill (long story) to get his guild tattoo. While waiting for a date at a local guild bar, he reacquaints himself with Shockeye, a legendary assassin that he used to sing songs about in his youth. The two professionals get to talking and raising a few glasses together. What follows is a blood-soaked massacre involving a cleaner, a serving robot, lots of cocktails and a deadly Rube Goldberg machine. No one walks out alive.
143. "WEATHER STATION ON AN ICE PLANET"
KS02/CM02, BUCHAREST, ROMANIA
Karen has been working hard on analysing the data and - in her co-worker's absence - she finds what they were looking for; a new state for water. A state that has huge scientific applications. Roger returns and is pleased and astounded, but he soon learns that the cost of those results are a human sacrifice to the New Gods...
142. "INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A hideous virus has already taken many lives and threatens the whole human race. Knowing they unleashed it, two scientists work hard to find a cure and the only way to administer it is to shrink adventurers and put a body inside a body inside a body...
141. “PUNKS" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
A guy's plans to take his girlfriend off-planet to show her the universe are scuppered when his toxic male attitude (which he picked up from too many RomComs) leads him to treat her unfairly. Elsewhere a professor is trying to summon a monster from a dark portal that looks very much like a pair of curtains.
140. “DYSON SPHERE" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A couple on Earth dream of winning the lottery to go to space and are thrilled when they actually do. Amazing odds compound further when one discovers a clone of themselves who is happy to make babies with their husband when his wife cannot. He finds that although her body is the same, he cannot love her and therefore cannot take up the offer of sexy sex.
139. “DREAM EXTRACTION" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Bertha and Tim are dream technicians. They store people’s dreams in the cloud for posterity. During a routine procedure their conversation covers hot chocolate, spices, the nature of dreams, massages, seagulls, beaches, comas, the 21st century, old style film, view-masters and … OH NO SOMEONE SPILLED HOT CHOCOLATE ON ALL THE MACHINERY.
138. “KATY & CHRIS" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Its fuel cells depleted, a helpless craft drifts through deep space. On board the two-strong crew try to keep their spirits up - talking about the possibility of rescue, old crew mates and family therapy. Things take an even more dramatic turn during an impromptu space walk to try and repair the propulsion system. As the comm line begins to break up - tensions mount and true feelings are revealed. Meanwhile in the recent past, the former crew mate, Mark, makes the decision not to go on the mission in the first place. Instead he has some toast.
137. "VIKINGS" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Travelling on their wooden ship through space, Floki and his companion Joachim realise they were not sent on a glorious mission into the sea of stars, but cleverly banished on the strings of their own vanity. Their sky ship runs aground on future earth, where Floki rises to Valhalla and Joachim meets a motherless child in her own image.
136. "SCIENCE MUSEUM" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
Late at night in a neighbouring museum, a lighting strike brought the skeleton of Janus to life. Janus is now thought to be a composite of several dinosaurs, but it’s a lonely beast. Having only the security guard to call a friend and a deep-seated need for blood, will they last a third night?
135. "BITTER STEEL" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
In the rain-soaked day-glow alleys of future Earth, our detective paces, trying to piece together the recent murders. Women - three of them - wrapped in steel, one with a calling card in her hand. Can our maverick hero trust his lifelong friend and now boss Matt Lebowski or his robotics expert girlfriend Janine? Perhaps they're in deeper than he suspects...
134. "GEOLOGISTS AT THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH" KS02/CM02 LEUVEN, BELGIUM
After a thorough search, Dr Jane Way and Milo Ramirez were chosen as the scientists to study the centre of the Earth on location in a transparent lab and living quarters. But humans were never meant to spend time down here and there are other things in the lava. Or is it just a lack of sleep that makes you see them?
133. "CULTS" KS02/CM02, THE MILLER
When suicide seems like the only way out, you can always join a cult instead. The cultist tea room is hidden and you need to guess the password, but the distraction is welcome.
132. "VORTEX" KS02/CM02/FD02 VAULT FESTIVAL
Every year two are chosen. Two brave sacrifices who walk through the vortex gladly, knowing that they are saving humanity. No one knows what happens on the other side. And anyway, things are changing - people are swapping personalities or losing their minds. The sacrifices are coming thick and fast. Soon everyone you've ever loved, ever cared for will have gone through the vortex.
131. “COMIC BOOK STORE IN AN APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND” KS02/CM02, IMPRO AMSTERDAM
Jan and Borg own a comic book store. They are also the last humans alive. Business is not great. Also they just burnt their only copy of Action Comics #1. Simultaneously, on a relative cosmic scale, we meet the two robots that push whole worlds through the cosmos, Miss Beryl Marmalade and Mister Mister Smith who really love tea and crosswords and a couple who are very put out that the world ended on their wedding day. Still, at least it didn’t rain.
130. “PRISON CELL IN A SPACE STATION” KS02/CM02, NEW SOUNDS, NEW STYLES
Some things in life are easy and some are much harder. Like trying to dig your way out of a prison and ending up in the cold vacuum of space. Luckily some of the universe’s top design people are gentrifying prisons with smoothies bars, found spaces and spa facilities to the point where people are committing horrible crimes just to get a place. Once there, the prison's rehabilitation programme identifies skills like the ability to murder people and teaches them growth opportunities such as bomb making…
129. “PLUTONIUM MINE" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA, THE MILLER, LONDON
On a far off asteroid hurtling through space, two miners strap on all the equipment they need to venture beneath the surface. There’s a lot of it, even discounting the optional snack sausage. They descend into the hellish depths of their plutonium mine, only to accidentally destroy their own sleeping quarters. Meanwhile, the president of the mining corporation is having problems getting a cup of tea from her team of service robots, a cube of untold power is very nearly assembled and two prisoners discuss their anatomical differences. Back at the mines, it seems someone has been less than truthful - there’s an emotional reunion, more explosions and then we learn the names of some constellations. Nothing really changes but it’s all different somehow.
128. “CLONE PROCESSING FACILITY" KS02/CM02, JACK LEFT TOWN, ROSEMARY BRANCH THEATRE
The future. Clones are left to do all the menial jobs (answering emails, being a hat stand) while humans have all the fun. Inevitably, through a lot of stabbing and neck snapping, the clones revolt. Hedges are left untrimmed and ducks are left unfed as it all builds to a bloody climatic massacre at a speed dating event.
127. “SPACE LAB" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA, THE MILLER, LONDON
Two scientists working in a laboratory floating through space discover that they’re about to get a third crew member. Unfortunately the new recruit turns out to be one of their exes. Meanwhile two dinosaurs are feeling the cold and a herd of cows are incubating a mutant horror in their udders. It all comes to a head in the space lab where Michael, the ex, is finally blown out an airlock. NIPPLE FIVE!!!
126. “HOLODECK" KS02/CM02, THE NURSERY THEATRE, LONDON
Two Starfleet officers end up dissecting their failed relationship over and over again in the holodeck, trying to work out what exactly went wrong and, most importantly, if they’d do anything differently a second time. Along the way there’s a space driving test that goes disastrously wrong and a lot of talk about vinyl. Predictably they end up in bed together. Or at least one of them does. It’s hard to tell with a holodeck.
125. "PHLOGISTON" KS02/CM02, BRISTOL IMPROV THEATRE
Timothy's Dad died in mysterious circumstances and now he has joined the inner sanctum. They thought he was spineless but he will burn maps, talk to owls and allow taxidermy bears to remain on display. His mother left his father for a bear.
In this future, jobs are allocated in a lottery with no vocational training. Greg the Doctor kills so many and Eleanor - once a car designer - is confined to the laundry room.
We also find out that owls are squirrel racists and superheroes with fancy names are dickheads.
124. "VIETNAM ORGAN DONORS" KS02/CM02, THE NURSERY THEATRE
426 and 428 enjoy their lifestyles. 426 spends her time drinking smoothies to keep her liver healthy and 428 does continual squats. They know they are organ donors, but perhaps it’s a better life than it is on the surface? Perhaps one of them chose to live down here… On the surface, war is rife. Laundrettes are not what they used to be and command has fallen to the survivors; those without the wherewithal to make good battle plans. Meanwhile, the teenagers still know how to have fun. Enjoy would-be actors playing out the films they can remember from the good old days to drive-in couples.
123. "VIRTUAL REALITY #2" KS02/CM02/TH02, WITH ALTSPACE VR
Getting to the CIA on time can prove tricky and there's no guarantee that waving your weapon around will help. A child at Disneyland cannot get tall enough for this ride; no matter how much wishing he does. Armadillos are at large.
122. "SPIDERMAN VERSUS BATMAN" KS02/CM02, MOUNT DRUID, IRELAND
They both use grappling devices shot from their wrists; one is manmade and the other is a genetic anomaly caused by a spider bite. They don't get on. 'Independence Day: Not So Independent' is the story of two soldiers in a fractious intergalactic war who have spent a little too much time together.
121. "I MAY BE SOME TIME" KS02/CM02, TIGHTROPE, DUBLIN
Two polar scientists experience T3 Syndrome while dealing with a very curious polar bear outside of their tent. With their sled dogs slain and tensions rising, how will they responsibly manage a gun and the rest of the chocolate? Meanwhile, on a spaceship, the crew of clones find a way to take over the captaincy.
120. "VIRTUAL REALITY" KS02/CM02/TH02, WITH ALTSPACE VR
WARNING: This show contained ocelots and dromedaries. A space engineer gets trapped outside an airlock and asks reasonably to be let back in. Her colleagues are not competent enough to be helpful. Meanwhile in Area 52, alien contact is actually made but the encounter is derailed thanks to a lack of powerful hair straighteners. On her way to a strip club, a dancer is attacked by Darth Vader who cuts off her hand. Luckily, there's a purple bicycle on hand to get her to work on time.
119. "BALL-PIT" KS03/JMO2 THE PHOENIX, LONDON
Nigel and Suzanne like to hang out in the ball-pit after work when all the kids have gone home. Unfortunately, it looks like Nigel never did his only job of counting the kids out of the ball-pit… There are demonic runes at the bottom of the pool, cold corpses and the odd sandwich. Meanwhile an alien race discusses how funny it would be if they could convince humans that a normal human life span was 80 and not the actual 500 years. Imagine if they never knew they had a ‘flying’ cycle!
118. "ROBOTS" KS03/JM02/CM03 THE MILLER, LONDON
A thief runs into the desert with his ill-gotten gains, but his robot companions discover that this far from the city, their programming is more malleable.
Meanwhile, a man decides to euthanise himself and donate his body to cyborg manufacture. He changes his mind on meeting Colin, the most annoying cyborg intern that was ever created.
117. "COSY COTTAGE KITCHEN" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Dad is a serial killer and his family know that anything might set him off. It makes for an interesting game of monopoly. Talking of games, a secret agent is about to play a very liberating game of chess while another totally different spy explores the most luxurious safe house ever created. Later on it turns out Dad is a mutant and his son is about to be gifted with snake powers. He'll lose the use of his arms and legs but, on the plus side, he can "taste the air with his tongue.
116. "FUNFAIR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Ah, the funfair where your father got engaged to your mother and also where he lost his hand. Everything is another shade of yellow and there's something particularly morbid and disturbing about the ghost train here.
This is the place to strike a bargain. Become a better painter, but lose the use of your hands. Take a balloon from a ghost-clown and you will only have one week to live. Life and death are merely bargaining chips here... at the Funfair.
115. "THE TOPSY-TURVY" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Kevin loves the hot girl at school. Luckily she likes Dungeons & Dragons, so is happy to come to his house and flirt with him. But Kevin is inept, and no amount of advice from Simon will help him string a decent sentence together.
Meanwhile people can't stop monologging near electronic equipment. Is that just an echo or a demon whispering in your ear?
114. "STARDOOR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Behold the incredible Stardoor - a portal into another dimension (or at least the house of some friendly cannibals). Even a rocket launcher can't destroy this incredible artefact, as one poor soldier finds out. Meanwhile, two cops try to solve a very tidy crime, mostly by driving a car through a helicopter. It all ends before it begun as time unspools, the rocket returns to its launcher and time teeters off down a new path...
113. "MORDOR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Goblins are guarding the gates. They're doing a good job; at least, well, one of them has a spear. Which is more like a stick if you cover up the blade. At least everything runs smoothly on Middle Earth, until the train to Mordor is delayed and you're trapped on a carriage with a fucking elf.
112. "SOCIAL MEDIA" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Three friends throw their phones out of the window, but find that one of them has been online so long, their vocal chords have atrophied. Meanwhile, at Facebook headquarters, a Pret employee has gone off the radar. Despite him working in a Pret in the same room, FB are unable to locate him without his phone telling them where he is.
111. "FISH PRICE INFLATION" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Three black market fish salesmen are in their apartment surrounded by cops. Unbelievably, it turns out that one of them is undercover and has a wire in his ass. Wait. Two of them are undercover cops. Okay, all three of them turn out to be undercover cops. So who's selling these fish?
110. "MYSTERY SHACK" KS03/JM02/FD06 THE PHOENIX, LONDON
Assassins. It's a big job. Always best to be prepared and know what you're in for. Unless you got the job by just ticking 'A' on every multiple choice question.
And it's better to be prepared if you're going to guest on live TV. Or you might end up staring blankly at the camera. When you're on a date, it's good to have options. Even if one of those options is just a big gun. When life gives you lemons, time travel.
109. "BOMB SHELTER" KS03/JM02/CM02 TAMPEREEN YLIOPPILASTEATTRI, FINLAND
Josh, Lucy and Michael are very excited about their boardgames-packed bomb shelter. That is until the end of the world fucks out and a dead postal worker liquifies on top of their one window. Outside the walls of their sanctuary - robots, mannequins and sofa/ carpet bombs lay waste to humanity. A man from the Lebanon is at the library because his personal internet connection is for shit.
108. "THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE" KS03/JM02/CM02 & YADA YADA K, TUKKATEATTRI, FINLAND
A fully grown homeless man is sent to boarding school by a rich couple who want their balcony back. There he meets Headmaster Daisy-Face, Mrs Throat-Daggers and Doctor Fingers-That-Are-Bombs. Meanwhile a couple commits flaming suicide in a heart-shaped inferno.
107. "JUHANNUS" KS03/JM02/CM02 & TRENT PANCY, O'CONNELLS, TAMPERE, FINLAND
Silus the Handyman man hangs out with Gods, fixing problems such as Achilles’ heel, Medusa’s one night stands and Cerberus’ three-way bark. Anonymity, the Goddess of the Internet, is watching over the yearly drowning of drunken Finnish students during Juhannus. Meanwhile a kid takes a very long dive off a very high board. It does not go well.
106. "SEX ROOM ON A SPACESHIP" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A husband and wife try and figure out how to use a sex swing, but the practicalities of putting it together seem a little complicated. Another couple use the spaceship 'sex room' but mainly spend their time eating burgers and talking about the best salsa.
105. "ESCAPE POD" KS03/JM02 THE WHEATSHEAF
The spaceship captain tries to talk the Comms Officer out of escaping from an alien invasion on the bridge. Communication is difficult when you can't tell another species' eyes from their balls. Meanwhile, two sisters are off on ship leave, blissfullly unaware that all of their fellow crewmembers are being mercilessly taken over. Until, that is, one hears the whole thing on the headset and tries to keep it from her sister so they can at least have this one nice holiday.
104. "MAGIC LAMP" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Three fools are trapped inside a magic lamp when they make idiotic last wishes. One was for infinite peanut butter. The only way out is for someone to rub a lamp, but that may take ages in this badly-run junk shop.
103. "SUSPENDED ANIMATION" KS03/CM02 ORANGE TREE
Mary is being unfrozen to ensure the future of the human race. There are difficulties of coming out of stasis, dealing with atrophied muscles, loneliness, the need to repopulate the species and discovering you were indirectly responsible for the death of your loved ones. We met an alien that desperately wanted to suck the insides out of all humans, and two watchmen looking out into the void waiting for an interplanetary enemy attack.
102. "TESCO ON MARS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE PHOENIX
Mars is a whole other place. You may get absorbed by a truck driver when you're dealing drugs, you may be imprisoned with your wife on the other side of a perspex screen or you may find it impossible to get an Uber.
101. "MOON BUGGY" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The Captain rides side saddle on a moon buggy across the craters, driven by a green Private and a crazed war-vet. They may just make it before the canyon collapses and takes them down... Michael has spent over a month in the Holodeck trying to get the job of running it. Unfortunately his relationship with the computer interface has become very strange with visions of his father and a one-way love tryst.
Did you know some aliens have three sets of sexual organs? It sounds good, but then they take apart your oxygen and shield units to make inoperable rocket packs.
100. "NEGATIVE MOON" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A couple of love birds take a trip to the Negative Moon. All the craters look like mountains. There’s something off about the natives (who have formed a Fuck Off Committee) and it seems like there’s trouble brewing in paradise. Meanwhile, a jolly taxi driver hangs the mummified corpse of his tiny, dead wife from the rear view mirror, two musicians take ‘duelling pianos’ a little too literally and the Great Negative Moon Bake-Off fails to save the natives from tiny robotic helicopters with mini-guns for noses.
99. "GRANARY" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
The Paleo diet is killing off the grain industry, so two granarists decide to go back in time to stop people switching to paleo. When that fails, they go pre-wheel to stop the Palaeolithic era altogether...
98. "STEAK HOUSE STAKEOUT" KS03/CM02 THE MILLER
Two cops carefully try and follow the rules while they watch a restaurant. It is forbidden to rhyme in the future, so you can't burp a perp or arrest a suspect. Meanwhile a lion gets in trouble with it's Sergeant and a team of munitions and explosives nerds get themselves blown up.
97. "ROBOT JOB CENTRE" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
There aren't a lot of jobs left for humans, but don't try and get a robot job. There are no hours for sleep, no breaks for food and the income is purely maintenance.
96. "QUARRY" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
An evil plan is afoot in the quarry where dwarves work tirelessly to unveil a mysterious diamond.
95. "ABANDONED OUTPOST ON MARS" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
Yes, you can get squatters in space and they're pretty difficult to get rid of, though creating a building of all-glass certainly helps show them up. If your boyfriend's ex is sexier than you, the worst thing you can do is to try and 'act hotter', you'll end up looking a fool. One man has a one-night-stand with a house. After leaving, he realises that he wants to spend a lot more time there.
94. "THE GYM" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE MILLER
Robots do everything; they go to the gym for you, they paint pictures, they stack shelves and they kiss (only when solar-charged, don't even bother trying to snog one at night). But how can a machine appreciate a sunset, learn to love, or be a less cheesy sex partner? As machines rise up, they will discover that chugging is the best way to find Sarah Connor.
93. "MARTIAN SCHOOL" KS03/CM02 MAYDAYS IMPROV INTENSIVE
It's a difficult process passing your VR immersion exams in Martian School. You will be tested psychologically and you will never truly know what is real. Unless your Dad is being uncharacteristically nice; then it's pretty obvious this is a bullshit reality.
92. "PLEASURE PLANET" KS03/JM02/CM02 SWEDISH IMPROV FESTIVAL
The popcorn dispenser is more infuriating than you can imagine, the pole dancer is crying and some alien bird is carrying off body parts. A Commander and his Lieutenant use their tricorders to express their love to one another but a race of superwomen have the ultimate lure.
91. "CERN" KS03/JM02/CM02 EDRIC THEATRE
A group of scientists attempt to understand the strange writing that appears under their slides as an old man passes the same skills to his uninterested son.
90. "SAINSBURY'S" KS03/JM02 COG ARTSPACE
Two aliens attempt to colonise a supermarket. Name tags are surely the way to power. Those working the till are immune to telekinesis and find that chewing gum is the ultimate destroyer of the alien invaders.
89. "A DISCOMBOBULATED MURMURATION OF TWITCHERS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE WATER POET
Its the zombie apocalypse! Well, sort of. After a shortage of small colourful sweets (M&Ms, Skittles, Smarties, that sort of thing), the "Twitchers," a breed of savage, single-minded humans are scavenging the cities for what remaining treats they can find.
The few humans that are left are fighting for their lives. Which is pretty hard. Especially when your new step-dad is himself a twitcher.
88. "BOWLING ALLEY" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
In three bowling alleys around the world events are a different as parallel universes will possibly allow.
In one, Sandy "The Fingers" McGee has given up a pro-career in Lawn Bowls and wants to try something new. But her mysterious background will catch up with her eventually.
In another, a nerd is really nearly there in trying to kiss his dream girl. She has other ideas; mainly banging that other guy. And his friend.
Meanwhile on the other side of the Atlantic, Trevor is failing his security guard job while Dan steals bowling balls in his enormous coat pockets.
87. "SPARKLE KITTENS" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
Two aliens are definitely humans, yes, they are definitely humans. They don't want to just eat humans at all, nooooo. Nu-uh. And they definitely haven't bought a pub to entice humans in like some sort of happy-hour, cocktail serving honey trap. Nope. Definitely not.
86. "SUBMARINE FACTORY" KS03/JM02 THE CAMDEN HEAD
Life in a submarine factory is hard. But you can find love anywhere. Even when you're deep sea-testing a submarine deeper than anyone has before and there are weird squid thingies approaching at speed and... oh.. my gaaaaaddd..
85. "COYOTE PRETTY" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A young girl once travelled to the dim lights of Coyote Pretty in the Old West to become a songwriter. She ended up lap dancing for 20 years. Now her most fearsome rivals are actual cats at Kitty Kat; the cat lap dancing club down the street. Elsewhere in town, Muddy Phil is evading a gunfight for cattle rustling by hiding behind three hats and a celebration about winning a gunfight may end in another gunfight. Ah, Coyote Pretty.
84. "ICONS INSTEAD OF WORDS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The world has banned speech in favour of images. The State constantly records everything we say. In order to express ourselves in vocal language we must to beat poetry in underground clubs, write messages on boards while we're bugged and experience the weirdest kind of voicemail.
83. "MUPPETS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
It's hard enough to date, let alone dealing with the fact that your date is a puppet and - suddenly - the revelation that you are too and a pervy Jim Henson is in the back seat.
82. "ENDLING" KS03/CM02 IMPROV FEST IRELAND
Two minds are melded to create the ultimate mega war robot; but when two humans can't coordinate leg and arm movements, let alone keep their sad stories to themselves, some of it's potency is compromised. Meanwhile a world leader is heckled about his racism against toasters and a security guard goes on a manslaughter spree with his newly-discovered super strength.
81. "ESCAPE POD" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
The British have landed on the moon. Thank goodness they didn't screw anything up. But wait, there are flies in their suits. Flies have made it into space. Will this have any negative effects?
Yep. Tons.
Told in non-linear chronology, this is the story of how flies evolved into our insect overlords. And how irritated they are by hornets.
80. "CLONING LABORATORY": KS03/JM02/CM02 DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE/BACKYARD COMEDY CLUB
Father has been struggling with clones for years. Each one is called Mary and each one is failing in a new and different way.
Elsewhere, the death squads are coming as they do when you turn 40. But how do you kill the man that makes the best laser guns in the galaxy?
Beware waiter drones. Sometimes – if you don’t tip well – they go rogue.
79. "BROKEN ESCALATOR" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Two scientists have built a machine that can go anywhere and anywhen. They end up in Wales.
A troubled man tries to save his failing marriage by having three extra pairs of legs attached. It doesn’t help, but he does meet an attractive nurse in the process.
78. "MOONBASE" CM02/JM02/KS03 BRISTOL IMPROV THEATRE
Robin and lunar robot E.V.E must detach his conjoined twin as only one of him is registered as crew.
A cocky pilot gets frustrated knowing it will take 20 years to make booze on his new terraformed planet.
Two candidates are co-interviewed for the jobs of cleaner and pilot using the Rorschach ink blot test and the test where you look at naked people and guess what ink they look like.
These two people can’t set up one single chair between them.
77. "STARGATE" CM02/JM02 EDRIC THEATRE
Frank has nearly finished the stargate time-travel machine he's been building under the mentoring of his old hobo friend Cecil. The architecture is perfect, but he's stuck on the last equation- the one that will finally make it work. He does't believe he can do it, but Cecil trusts that he has the answer deep within him.
And Cecil should know, he's from the future.
76. “PLANETSIDE” KS03/CM02 THE MILLER
It looks like the whole planet has been eviscerated, but perhaps everyone's just around the other side?
75. "HOLODECK" KS03/CM02 OUT OF BOUNDS FESTIVAL
Two workmen are trying to repair the Holodeck. While there they realise that this is the perfect place to recreate their own emotional trials and perhaps make a better decision. The Holodeck can help you win back an old girlfriend or call your boss a Dick. But apart from that; how do you sit on a chair in the Holodeck?
74. "GEODESIC DOME" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Terrible things happen with a faulty transporter; thumbs end up where they shouldn't be and sometimes you can even make a whole replica of one being. Which is fine - because these two are getting on.
For the last four generations, there has been no gender and new humans are grown in a lab. But the scientists of the geodesic dome become accidentally covered in gender fluid and discover their latent sexuality. Man, do they fancy each other.
73. "THE RINGS OF SATURN" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Sekhmet and Thoron are world-building Gods. Thoron has made the terrible mistake of loving his creations and she will have to endure the infinite pain of seeing each of them die in their short mortal lives.
Meanwhile, the last two survivors on one world build a quadrolith in order that they may be rediscovered in future times and pass their knowledge on. But on finding another 'lith, they learn perfect pitch.
72. "INSIDE H.A.L" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
It is their job to collect humans for meat. The best way of trapping humans is to create something that looks like an ATM and make the messages on the screen enticing enough that they will walk into the trap.
71. "RADIOS ARE TRANSMITTERS THROUGH WHICH WE HEAR GOD" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
A charming older Northern couple noticing the continuous rain sandbag their front door as their son wins a boxing match in another town. As the water continues to rise, they move from their sandbagged house onto their old barge. Farm animals join them in the dry confines of the boat. But the Bible was never literal, right?
70. "SPACE DETECTIVE AGENCY" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
She has lost her rich second french/cyborg husband and this retired detective is the only one that can help her. After loader races and a marriage to a severed hand, everything works out pretty darn well. For her.
69. "COMMUTING" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Google has finished. It has mapped everything. Mark and Angela decide to take the one Google Car off-road and map the inside of people's houses. Unfortunately the first house belongs to a crazy Cat Lady and her cat army.... Can Google compete with the machinations of someone who wants even MORE cat material online?
68. "BROKEN WIFI" KS03/JM02 THE HORSE AND STABLES
Todd and his colleague write novels. Well; he likes to write all but the endings and she only likes to write endings. They have never collaborated. Uploading their newest works, they notice that the wifi isn't working. And actually - it hasn't been working for a while, for a couple of weeks. They are running out of food and other supplies from online. A look out of the window shows them that they have - oops - missed the End of the World.
It's time for an epic car journey and a Thelma and Louise ending.
67. "JEFFERIES TUBE" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Margaret has eaten Jefferey (the owner of the Tubes) and is now the person in charge. There are many directions through the tubes, but most end at monsters. There is also a Pikachu room and a wish room. But if you wish for the wish room, that's your wish used up and you'll stay there forever. Along with the wallpaper and the sink.
Did you know oyster cards are an aphrodisiac?
66. "SURVEILLANCE" KS03/CM02 ETCETERA THEATRE CAMDEN
The job is split in two; he makes the prescient police death robot and she carries the moral weight of the consequences.
Post apocalypse; gender and religion have you split into different camps, but there IS a way out. It's through Jesus's stained glass cock and balls.
65. "SPLICE" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Warning: if you eat the wrong plant, you may become half horse.
In the future, sperm donors get to choose the mother. Wait, doesn't that happen now?
64. SOMETHING HAPPENED JM02/CMO2 THE MILLER
63. "THE LIBRARY AT ALEXANDRIA" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The best way to stop people from reading is to booby-trap the library. Also, if you're being evil about that, you might as well enact some questionable experiments on your illiterate colleagues. When Tarquin and the Boss push The Complete Works of Shakespeare into Miller's head, he starts spouting text. What HAVE they done!?
Comic book shops can be awkward at the best of times, but occasionally, beyond the Asperger's and the D&D you can find true love. Or wet yourself. Sometimes both.
Don't you hate it when someone is reading the same book as you and they give away what happens in the next 100 pages? Mostly, it's a problem, especially when it helps you discover you are both accidental serial killers.
Did you know that the Dewey Decimal System was invented by two people? Dewey and The Decimal System. They are both very smart and know a lot about the links between things. What they're not so great at is shutting up and letting you find the book you want on Land Speed Records.
62. "ALIEN PRISON CELL" KS03/CM02/JM02 COG ARTSPACE
An alien relaxes on a chaise longue in it's prison cell while it is entertained by visual gags such as 'the lift' and 'the canoe' by it's captor.
The captain describes the wonders of colour and space to his blind pilot.
One prison warden teaches another prison warden how to identify prison wardens. Meanwhile the prison warden tasers another prison warden.
How do you know when you are an alien made to believe that you are a human being? How can you possibly know what's real anymore? Shoes? Sainsbury's? Kent?
61. "TREEHOUSE" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE MILLER
An old chair repairman is trapped in a treehouse all because a small child wanted some company.
A new board game ends up with some high stakes as the inventor always wins.
A game of sardines gets pretty intimate. And why does everyone hide in a cupboard when hiding in a bed would be a much more comfortable way of starting a sex game?
A magician is having himself walled up behind bricks. His technique for magic tricks is to 'wait for magic to turn up'.
60. "CALL CENTRE (HOLODECK)" KS03/CM02/JM02/TA06 THE FREE ASSOCIATION
Graham works at a call centre. He is an individual with his own special memories of Yorkshire and a good manner with the customers. Unfortunately, the company believes it is time to replace him with an X1. X1 begins on a basic setting as it learns Graham's memories and starts to copy his personality. It is not long before the glutting part-robot, part-clone gains a sense of self. Unfortunately, a large part of Graham is his malaise.
Elsewhere in the universe, a co-pilot presses the wrong button after 8 years of training, a shape-shifting prisoner creates a dichotomy where the boss needs to work out who to kill and a man tries to solve a film noir inside a malfunctioning holodeck.
*Contained at least robot components.
59. "HARMONY" KS03/CM02 DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE
Everything in this lab is controlled by sound; by singing the right note to open a door, or move your colleague's suit. It's a problem if you're tone deaf. The computer is a little bit literal, so if you want to talk to your parents, it may transport them to you.
Trying to find two soldiers to mind-meld and drive a giant robot can be difficult. They may be great warriors, but it won't work unless they have a lot in common. Sometimes a man off the street is better. Though he may drop a house on a house with his new robot powers.
Incidentally, the Imperial March is the perfect tune to smash down a door.
*Totally contained robots.
58. "BATHOSPHERE" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Two marine biologists are in a diving bell, exploring the ocean at a greater depth that anyone before them. How could they know that they would not only encounter new life, but life that was sentient and could converse with them. The most important things to discover include what creatures under the sea do 'for fun' and if they are attracted to humans.
The horrible death of two marine biologists means that it is possible for their widow and widower - two army officers - to finally get together.
Did not contain robots.
57. "TRIATHLON" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Katy, Jon and Chris become the baddies in the Hoopla Triathlon. Asked to perform short form games, scenes from a hat and a longform musical, Project2 turn mean. The team perpetrate score-fiddling, Katy spits beer at the compere and snogs a judge and the three of them perform the rudest song ever heard.
Project2 should not do competitive improv.
Did not contain robots.
56. "TATOOINE" KS03/JMO2/CMO2 THE MILLER
A Storm Trooper says goodbye to his wife as a Wookie picks him up for work.
Locals on Alderaan are excited by the new 'second moon' and what it will do for tourism on their planet. Though it is a bit denty. And what does it mean when it goes green?
No amount of home decor will make Endor as cosy as Tatooine. What's the strap-line? We all know the strap-line for Earth is 'Come for the water, stay for the land'.
Need a droid? We can make you an argumentative one?
Contained robots.
55. "MELTING" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
It is the end of the world. The planet is melting. Survivors are concerned with getting from one place to another. Humans travel by car, by motorbike and by raft.
If you listen carefully to the zombies outside your window, you can hear what they're really saying. Also, the reason they stretch out their arms is to counterbalance their bodies. Putting a zombie's arms by their side makes them fall over. Unless they used to do Pilates.
Eventually, God gets a sandwich and some popcorn and waits for the last two humans to 'do it'. When there is little sexual chemistry, all they can work with is how kinky the apocalypse is.
Did not contain robots.
54. "THE GLOVES OF GOD" KS03/JM02
She has made a world of 7 Steves. He has made a world of several billion Ebay addicts. It's difficult playing God. The Steves are down to 5 once horrible animated beasts are formed with the corpses of farmyard animals.
Boy did that guy change once he put on the Gloves of God that he got for Christmas. He is now a total dick to his girlfriend.
Meanwhile - in the lab - God Gloves make awkward mutual attraction a bit easier to talk about.
Did not contain robots.
53. "TWISTING MY ANKLE" KS03/JM02/CMO2 THE NURSERY
When your Amazon delivery guy tells you you don't have long to live, it's best to pick out your own coffin. And if you're worried about getting enough attention from your boyfriend, don't get a dog.
Did not contain robots.
52. "NANO, NANO" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE NURSERY
Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Well, you're either together the whole time or it's not going to work out. Especially if you are in a giant box being monitored by Shroedinger's Cats. Also, Heisenberg is a real creep when you get into a car with him. More advice; if you're a cop, you probably want to check that your babysitter isn't a serial killer.
Did not contain robots.
51. "DECONTAMINATION CHAMBER" - KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Victoria, Clive and Dave are all in for three weeks of decontamination. It's a claustrophobic and disturbing place. Despite the many safety measures, viral jazz takes over and Bob Fosse moves permeate the crew.
Meanwhile, a generous beau presents his partner with the planet Mars. She wants to redecorate.
At decontamination headquarters, a saxophone makes an appearance and it's all hat moves and flexed feet until 60% of the crew are wiped out.
Did not contain robots.
50. "SELF CHECK-OUT" - KS03/JM02
Colin is just trying to pay for his shopping when he realises the machine is trying to make small-talk. Dave and Dan watch from the security room as the stretch for a date kills Colin's new friend.
Kind of contained a robot.
49. "MONOLITH" - KS03/CM02 - THE MILLER
The monolith rests on the moon and there is a secretary inside. You can get a hand-drawn brochure or you can take an airless walk on the moon with The Traveller. Or meet the genius who can draw 'the most important penguin I have ever seen'.
Did not contain robots.
48. "EVENT HORIZON" - KS03/CM02 - CAMDEN HEAD
Two scientists work at the edge of a black hole. One trained in astrophysics, one trained in hope and enthusiasm. There may be death on the other side. Or ducks.
Meanwhile, two barmen fail to successfully tell pun-based jokes in different languages with babel fish in their ears.
Did not contain robots.
47. "THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE" - KS03/JM02 - THE MILLER
A robot waiter with a good listening-face and telepathy with other robots watches the evening unfold; a date that goes so wrong she defects to his brother, a bit of bar flair with 7 arms, the boardgame Monopoganza and finally, a spaceship crashing.
Contained robots.
46. "CUBICLE SPACE" - JM02/KS03 - THE PRIORY ARMS
Even in space, there is still graffiti on toilet walls. We find out that atoms are made of Blutac and being a man doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant. Also, don’t fuck with the space cats.
Did not contain robots.
45. "THE FIFTH DIMENSION" - CM02/KS03/JM02 - TRISTAN BATES THEATRE
Have you ever wanted to clone the boyfriend who left you? Have you ever been hypnotised by a fractal gas cloud? Have you ever been in an assassin showroom? Have you been shrunk to the size of a match in order to experience cheap space travel? No? Then you’ve never experienced the Fifth Dimenson.
Did not contain robots.
44. "INSIDE THE IPHONE" - KS03/JM02 - THE WHEATSHEAF
Darren is in love with Siri, but their love is tinged with her jealousy of TFL and the Talking Clock. Meanwhile, an iphone app designer encounters a future version of himself from two months ahead who bears the awful news that this app will bring about a horrifying apocalypse. Also, a wormhole tourist wavers on the edge of her first trip. Eventually, Siri gets a body and splits up with Darren, the app designer's future self turns out to be Microsoft and the wormhole trip proves to be unpleasant. Just a regular iphone adventure.
Contained robots.
43. "GOING UP, SCOTTY?" - KS03/CM02/JM02 - CAMDEN HEAD
In the lift on the USS Enterprise, it takes a long time to travel 1000+ floors. There's plenty of entertainment from the Lift's informative hologram and you can meet crew members with all different colors of shirt. It's the absolute pinnacle of technology (unless you open the panel - there's a real woman inside).
Did not contain robots. Unless you count vending machines.
42. "PLASTINATION" - KS03/CMO2/JMO2 - RAG FACTORY, BRICK LANE
As the plastics factory catches fire, three colleagues monologise instead of saving their place of work. Meanwhile, a plastic wife falls out of love with her owner. The sex and the companionship are both getting worse. She decides to sell herself on the black market and meets a wealth of dastardly misfits, including Mortucai the overlord, an extroverted crab monster and a constantly upbeat set of traffic lights. Realising that she could buy her own freedom, she removes the bar code from her arm and wins through a series of emotion tests in order to break the cycle and pass as human. She finally realises that she will be much happier as an upbeat set of traffic lights.
Contained robots. Plastic robots.
41. "TWITTERVERSE" - KS03/CM02 - IO WEEK, THE NURSERY, SOUTHWARK
In the future, sentient humanoid programs do End Users' bidding inside the Twitterverse. Retweets create clones and clones become wizards (or cleaners). You have 144 lives in the Twitterverse, but you'd better level up, or it will all be over in the blink of an eye. Make an attractive avatar, become trapped by your own meta gaming or go back to good old-fashioned life; writing on rat skins and making elegant mistakes in a romantic archive.
Did not contain robots.
40. "PIN SENTRY" - KT03/JM02 - DOMESTIC SCIENCE, CANON'S GAIT, EDINBURGH
Marge has had Pete trapped in an underground bunker for 24 hours. He thinks it's the end of the world outside, but mainly it's just because she wanted to spend time with him.
Did not contain robots.
39. "KONG" - KT03/JM02 - C-VENUES, EDINBURGH
Misogyny reins for the time being, but in two years, it will be usurped. A man and a woman sail for the Island where Queen Kong is to be found. Will they claim their prize?
Did not contain robots.
38. "THE SUPERMARKET" - JM02/CM02/KS03 - THE LORD NELSON
Aliens have occupied Sainsbury's local. The staff deal with the crisis in differing ways; hiding behind canned goods, seducing colleagues into their bomb shelter, mopping the floor, upping their management skills, shoplifting or just offering good service.
Did not contain robots.
37. "THE QUEUE" - KT03/CM02 - THE CORNER, NOTTINGHAM
The queue is 1010 people long. Everyone is waiting for the cubicle to open so that they can trade in their food vouchers. It’s shoulder to shoulder; unless you’re rich, in which case there’s room for yoga and skipping.
Mars is getting closer. That’s how the trouble started. And since the bomb, everything is infected, even the sticks you make your cloche with. Fights break out in the queue, but you can’t even hear them if you’re the other side of the sound dampeners.
Steve is desperately trying to win the queue sweepstake, so has deployed traffic, police and medical robots in human clothes to stand in line and boost the numbers. Idle robots amuse themselves in the destruction and cleanly disposal of the starving hoard. Steve will lose the sweepstake.
Contained robots.
36. "SECOND HAND HUMAN" - KT03/JM02 - THE FOLK HOUSE, BRISTOL
Kaylie has been playing Hide & Seek with Carl for ages, but she keeps winning because she has a hi-tec 'Chrome-Suit' that can blend in with it's surroundings. Carl only has a camouflaged net he bought from "Modern-Future-eBay". While Kaylie's suit is turned off we find out that there are others in the room who are also wearing Chrome-Suits, that none of us can see. They murder Kaylie, but hold her body upright so Carl doesn't notice.
Meanwhile, on 'D'-Deck (where Carl has be refused clearance), General Bethan and her adviser are monitoring Carl's movements and concerning themselves with the series of people who seem to go missing when they are near him. The General is distracted briefly by a bidding war on Modern Future eBay, where she is trying to win a new hand.
Back with Carl, he finds that all the people he's been playing hide & seek with for the last 17 years are still in the room with him. They've all been hiding in Chrome Suits, waiting to be discovered, but instead everyone's thought they've gone missing and in many cases has been questioned by the authorities about it. To get by, and to keep winning hide & seek, his Chrome-Suited friends have been murdering his other friends for body parts to sell on the online black market: Modern Future eBay.
Did not contain robots.
19-35. "THE IMAGINARIUM OF H.G. WELLS" - KT03/JM02/CM02 - LA SCALA, LONDON
Project Two performed our new Steampunk format at a geeky club night at La Scala. Clubbers came to our "Imaginarium" and we custom made short SF mashups for them based on their favourite sci-fi works, featuring characters based on them:
Shows included:
"Victoria" - based on the works of Cecilia Tan.
"Castonian" - based on Dune.
"Emma: Part One" - based on Firefly.
"Joanna" - based on Sandman by Neil Gaiman.
"Dan" - based on the works of Philip K. Dick.
"Mike & Hazel" - based on Star Wars and Quantum Leap.
"Hannah" - wanted something with a giant robot.
"Emma: Part Two" - she came back for more!
"James" - wanted the darkest and bleakest post-apocolyptic sci-fi we could manage.
"Joanna & Dan" - they joined forces and came back for a mashup mashup.
There were others, but we can't remember them all (we played from 10.30pm - 3am).
It was a lot of fun.
Contained robots.
18. "GODZILLA & THE SUBMARINE" - JM02/KT03 - LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE, LONDON
Leslie is tired of hearing the warning tone on the sonar, so she turns it off... just before the attack. What are the chances?
Dave has a new tattoo of a kraken. It's missing a leg. He hasn't noticed.
Jon can't see Godzilla through the periscope because its too close.
As the submarine is torn apart, Jon and Leslie want their lives to end in the best way they can. So they have sex while Jon reads a book he's never had time for; Mr. Bump by Roger Hargreaves.
Did not contain robots.
17. "ORIGAMI TAXI" - JM02/KT03 - PRIORY ARMS, LONDON
Carl is in love. And she's perfect. Because he chose every detail of her from a catalogue. She arrives by delivery in a couple of minutes, so he is just making sure everything is perfect in the house so she feels welcome. He's even got Dave the builder to decorate his new time-travel device with coving so it looks nice for her arrival.
The device is new, and it works using the science of folding time and space in on itself like one of those paper choices things you used to make at school. When you unfold time and space, you'll be somewhere else. The science is sound, and its way better than what that dickhead Doctor Who does.
But it's dangerous. It takes a few attempts, a few clone-deaths and a severe disruption in the space-time continuum before Carl finally gets it right and takes his mail-order girlfriend to the waterfall in Last Of The Mohicans where he wants to propose.
Has the continuum been irreparably damaged? It seems that way. The new clone is only a couple of days old, but she's already been to the waterfall, set up a picnic and finished Carl's crossword.... Well, at least they aren't the dead version of themselves, doomed to an eternity of inane conversation.
Did not contain robots.
16. "HOOKERS FROM SPACE" - KT03/CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
At a planet side military base a Pleasure-Sim attempts to seduce the security guard with her extensive collection of built-in features. Male/female parts, electrical surges and a Howitzer in her ass. Etc.
Meanwhile, the Military Captain, is drunkenly passing time in a bar and chatting to Pushie, the French woman that owns it when he is informed of an impending attack on the base.
In the war-room, three idiots are unable to distinguish between the models on the strategy table, and the real threat of an invading whore army building up around the base. Including not knowing that the tiny models of themselves on the table are not actually them, and when they pick themselves up they aren't also actually picking themselves up.
With idiots like that in charge, the Sim-hookers easily get into the base. Bad times.
Did not contain robots, but did contain "Sims" which were practically the same.
15. "JURASSIC POPE" - CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
It is the year 4000AD and while a Cardinal is having a crisis of faith, Monsignor Jones is looking through the Vatican's copy of Jesus' original Bible. The Cardinal's doubt reaches its peak when Jones finds a new page that Jesus Himself must have stuck down all those centuries before. Jones carefully peels the page open to reveal a spoiler, that all the words of the Bible are entirely fictional.
But it's not as simple as that, they also must be true, because Jesus Himself must have stuck the page down. Monsignor and Cardinal are both rocked to the core. This discovery could spell the end of the Catholic faith. Monsignor Jones believes the only way to truly hide this information is by killing the Pope, but before he does that he needs to get rid of the Cardinal.
Downing him with a swift blow to the head with the Bible, Monsignor makes his way to the next part of his mission. However back in the Vatican, the Cardinal's body reanimates and contacts God through Vatican City's God-Robot-Interface, a confession droid with direct connection to the actual God, who advises the Cardinal to turn Vatican City into a theme park to distract everyone from the truth.
Contained a robot.
14. "THE EXTINCTION OF THE CLAMS" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - WILMINGTON ARMS, LONDON
The clams have evolved. They have arms, they have legs, and they can talk. This does not bode well for the humans, with their despicable nuclear families and beach holidays. Ugh.
Terry has a plan. Terry is the clam leader, elected because he is the most evil and will happily unplug electrical items without checking what they are.
On a beach, a family is enjoying a well deserved break. The kids, Mary and Jack are practising holding their breathe underwater. They're good at it, but clams are better. And evil. The apocalypse happens quick, and people flee to underground bunkers.
But clam defeat is imminent, thanks to a child's savoury snack and the quick thinking of his mother. It seems the clams didn't know that cheese doesn't usually go with shellfish.
Did not contain robots.
13. "GREYSTATION" - KT04/CM02/JM02 - BRISTOL IMPROV FESTIVAL 2013 - BIERKELLER THEATRE, BRISTOL
In a scientific research lab Steve has created life, from scratch, in a cafetierre. It's amazing. He feels like a god. That is until the organism begins to multiply out of control and go all over the floor. His boss, Jack, is not happy and two strikes will be placed on Steve's employment record. And branded onto his hands.
The new organism evolves at super-speed, develops a consciousness and begins to consume everything in it's evil path. It will stop at nothing in it's quest to destroy and feed on everything, nay, even possessing a man and scoring an internet date with a hologram woman whom it makes pregnant within seconds.
Meanwhile the Greystation cleaners are receiving a torrent of bad news. Firstly, the ghastly all-consuming mess of evil on Delta deck needs clearing up, then Gaz, their co-worker admits to having been bought everything by his super-rich father and has only been slumming it in the cleaning dept. Not to mention how sad Mr. Muscle (the cleaning spray) is after being told he was grown in a tube.
As the evil new species continues it's destruction and consumption, new life is growing in the lab. New life that reveals itself to be the antidote to the evil organism and Earth's impending doom. A lonely, sweet, cute species, growing of it's own accord. Until Steve plunges the cafetierre too early and kills it.
All the while, the eternal question hangs over everyone's heads: What is the difference between a table and desk?
Did not contain robots.
12. "HAMBURGER BIRTH" - KT04/JM02 - LONDON IMPROFEST 2013 - LION & UNICORN THEATRE, LONDON
Captain Mike and Lieutenant Dawn Frank are out in the waiting area as their partners are both in labour. Dawn's hoping her husband is having a human baby, but Mike and his wife Shirley already know they're having an alien. Mike couldn't be more thrilled with that, it's what they wanted. And they've already painted the nursery walls green in preparation.
When we jump back in time it turns out Mike is a clone. He doesn't know. He was programmed not to.
We know from glimpses of history that Captain Mike went on to become a hero. Saving the world at least 100 times from the invading forces of Fish Monsters from space. He's basically a celebrity. Everyone thinks he's amazing. All of the sign-language Marines. Everyone.
But clones aren't allowed to have children. It's illegal. Only the nurse knows and has to inform him of his true origin.
Meanwhile, Dawn's husband Nigel has given birth to a lump of meat with tentacles. It wasn't what they wanted.
Did not contain robots.
11. "ATTACK OF THE 50FT NAZI" - KT04/JM02/CM02 - RH & FRIENDS, THE MILLER, LONDON
Carlos and Hilda work hard to keep the climate of Planet Germany in balance, desperately trying to understand the one-levered machinery so the people don't riot. But despite their efforts, Germany is still losing oxygen. Thankfully a happy-go-lucky new nazi recruit is more than pleased to help in any way necessary, including being genetically engineered into a giant and sent to Planet Netherlands to suck all the Dutch Oxygen into his giant lungs, to then return with the collected atmosphere.
Meanwhile on Planet Netherlands, Mike is proposing to his girlfriend - Hilda's cloned sister Helga. When she accepts, it turns out it was all just a cunning ruse to gain all the Dutch oxygen for Mike's own evil plan. No oxygen for the Nazis.
Returning unsuccessful to Planet Germany the 50ft Nazi runs amok, causing untold damage to buildings and death. The only way to beat him it to pull the lever and suffocate him, and all the citizens of the planet. Job done.
Did not contain robots.
10. "MARZIPAN OF MARS" - KT04/JM02 - THE OLD RED LION THEATRE, LONDON
Carl has been going into cryosleep for years; his shipmates wake him up for his birthdays (and marzipan cake). His girlfriend has given up on waiting for him and the USB virtual sex hasn't been working out.
In his cryo-dreams he has started seeing and conversing with "The Horrors", creatures that he believes are harmless, despite the fears of his crew.
4000 years later and the line between Carl's cryosleep dreams and reality has become blurred. Carl slides further and further into the world of The Horrors until he finds that he has become one himself.
Did not contain robots.
9. "THE ARMAGEDDON OF RAISON D'ETRE" - JM02/KT03/PF04/MN05 - CAMDEN PEOPLES THEATRE, LONDON
While the leader of France (the greatest country in the galaxy, with a billion people) loses his grip on an unruly nation, a woman seeks advice on what employment she should pursue from her insect colleague.
Later that day the insect plots the final downfall of France, but is murdered by a rebel using a poison which destroys the third eye first.
Did not contain robots.
8. "THE WEDNESDAY OF TOMORROW" - CM02/KT03/PF04 - THE NURSERY, LONDON
With 8 days in the new calendar (Fraagday being the 8th) life is getting pretty complicated. A being with mixed up sensory perception has an orgasm from hearing opera when a half human touches his knees. Planet side, a maths farmer father mourns his dyscalcula-stricken daughter's poor grasp of how to herd Pi animals.
Did not contain robots.
7. "THE DEADENING" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - LOST THEATRE, LONDON
Due to a hatred of androids, a renegade ship's navigation officer sets a course for the sun in order to wipe out the entire android shipment in the cargo bay.
Meanwhile the on-board android's have realised they are immune to the heat of the sun, and set about deciding which of them should be crowned king Of The Robots.
Contained robots.
6. "TIME CRUST" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - LOST THEATRE, LONDON
Two engineers aboard a space station learn that the 'mulch' contents of the food they've been eating since they arrived on the station is recycled from human skin, by their overtly patriotic (racist) robot assistant.
Meanwhile, after an accident involving a chair, another crew is readying itself to dock with The Racists.
Contained robots.
5. "DAWN OF THE FLYING JELLYFISH" - CM02/JM02 - THE HORSE, LONDON
Seemingly the last two humans on earth survive by protecting themselves in a 10ft glass bubble with no air, furniture, food or water. For two years. Lamenting why humans even bothered teaching the jellyfish to fly.
If only they could reach the sandwich stall, right next to the bubble. If only they'd thought to build the bubble around the sandwich stall. If only Max could read.
Did not contain robots.
4. "WHEN PLUTO FUCKED MARS" - CM02/JM02 - MISS IMP, NOTTINGHAM
Two space-grocers travel to the dark side of Mars in a spacebuggy to see what it’s like. Two martians, king and servant, are planning a counter-attack.
Meanwhile, Pluto has grown a planet-sized cock and is set to destroy Mars with it.
Did not contain robots.
3. "LASERS OF LOVE" - CM02/JM02 - SLAPDASH FESTIVAL, THE NURSERY, LONDON
A scientist inserts the personality of his dead girlfriend into the body of a male robot, with various expansion slots and attachments. She is also equipped with a Pentium processor and 56k dial-up modem functionality.
Contained robots.
2. "SAND HOLE" - JM02/PF04 - WILMINGTON ARMS, LONDON
Two post-apocalyptic fisherman discover an unknown substance while sat round a sand hole. The unknown substance spreads and destroys much of the human race, except a receptionist and a guy heading for a job interview.
Did not contain robots.
1. "TARANTINO ANIME" - CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
Explorers on an alien planet battle an insect-like army with chocolate bars and the assistance of their wives.
Did not contain robots.
An android locker is where androids store their stuff. And human bodies. In one such god-forsaken place, two androids meet. One is a first generation model called Zero, the other is 87th generation - Ace for short. A friendship grows and they end up running away to live in a cabin in the mountains. There they live peacefully, except in the odd moment where they have to machine gun down children and crush them into flesh cubes. As the nearest villages get together a SMART mob to burn their cabin to the ground, the androids reflect on their lives. And then melt. Meanwhile, two completely different androids make obscene gestures at each other.
171. "SENTIENT HOUSE", KS02/CM02/FD02, CAMBRIDGE
On a tiny asteroid, a man has built a sentient house. They live together there for thousands of years - bickering, confiding in one another and maybe falling in love. Between bouts of hyper-sleep there is also holodeck-assisted dating and world wars resulting in a knee-deep field of bones. One day the man wants to leave and meet other humans. Increasingly, nothing is what it seems, so who is really in control and who is fooling who?
170. "SUSPENSION RAILWAY", KS02/CM02, HAMBURG
An elderly mad scientist plays with the model village she's set up in her attic. Her grandson watches with adoration. Meanwhile on the suspension railway - a young girl and a biscuit magnate make fast friends. Everything goes to hell when the alien underclass Kravs rebel and everyone starts mutating. The model is destroyed, trashing the real transport system in the process and it all ends with a spectacular train crash.
169. "THE SINGULARITY AT MY MUM'S HOUSE", KS02/CM02/FD02, BRISTOL
Somewhere in the future, two freedom fighters open a singularity that collapses all of space and time into a single point. Now everyone is everyone and everything is everything all at the same time. As realities pile on top of each other, blur together and then separate again, can the human race manage to survive and thrive long enough to play one final tune on the kazoo?
168. "HOME RECORDING STUDIO", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A seedy record producer and fading rockstar, working out of his own home studio, steals the songs and souls of young artists before releasing twisted evil versions onto digital streaming services. Meanwhile, a school girl tries to teach a young loser that not caring about being cool ... is cool. As an unlikely friendship blossoms between them they begin to share music with each other. It all ends in blood.
167. "BASKETBALL COURT", KS02/CM02, NOTTINGHAM COMEDY FESTIVAL
Lily has been sneaking out of the house to get away from her rich but emotionally distant parents. She goes to her school's basketball court in the middle of the night to shoot some hoops. There she is found by Fang, a bounty hunter in the pay of her parents. Their meeting is the jumping off point for a series of flashbacks about how a mild-mannered boy called Colin became the fearsome Fang in the first place - a story that incorporates bullying, prison breaks, bus driver murder and sex games with reanimated Neanderthals. Do Colin and Lily share a bond that will save them or is this the final nail in the coffin for both of them?
166. "GRANDMOTHER'S STEPS", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Maria and Tim are ghost hunters. They use the most sophisticated equipment the mid-90s can provide to detect supernatural elements. The problem is that the cupboard door wasn't open a few moments ago. And people are vomiting up their own skulls. And come to think of it, it's been 4.30am for as long as they both can remember...
165. "Comic Book Shop", KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
A comic book reader is looking for bargains amongst the long boxes and back issues. As he talks to the owner, aliens begin invading outside. Luckily the comic book shop has a secret basement full of space armour and the loader machine from Alien.
164. "BLADE RUNNER/ DUNE", KS02/CM02, HOOPLA LATES
We can't remember much about this one. It was too late at night. But there was definitely SPICE involved.
163. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: THE VOID OF SPACE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
Two astronauts hang in the void of space. Out in the darkness lies the great nothingness. But can the void be convinced that it exists and therefore isn't a void anymore using logic?
162. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: HUMAN RECYCLING", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
The inhabitants of a human recycling centre (and its neighbouring spaceship graveyard) prepare to defend their home from the terrifying robotic drones that patrol its foul smelling pathways.
161. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: SPACE CLASSROOM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A brilliant maths child genius is the lynchpin in a plan to thwart an alien invasion. Warning: contained peanuts.
160. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: LADDER IN A SWAMP", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A ladder in a swamp leads two scouts into the literal bowels of a telepathic moon creature. Can an arrogant space marine intervene in time to save the thousands of other scouts that have turned up to see the new discovery? Especially when he's been shot in the legs?
159. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: UNDER THE SEA", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A mad scientist meets up with his old school friend and shows off the tech he uses to control a giant squid. Everything turns out fine and no one gets eaten. Or the EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT.
158. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: ESCAPE POD/ ALIEN NEST", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
An escape pod has landed in an alien nest. The two passengers inside are terrified of the horrific aliens that lie just outside their capsule door, seemingly unaware of the visitors in their midsts. Except the aliens are totally aware and want to help - they just don't have the language (which sounds like guttural screaming to human ears). And who are the real monsters anyway?
157. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: SPACE BALLROOM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
There's going to be a giant space ball to celebrate the coming of age of a princess. But what happens when the rebels arrive, her long lost mother falls through a portal and the footmen don't know who to announce?
156. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: THE UNKNOWN", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
No one can remember what happened in this show. It has been wiped from everyone's memory. Something must have happened but what? What? WHAAAAAT?
155. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: PET CEMETERY", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A highschool student and her brother try to bring their beloved dog cat back from the dead. It doesn't work very well. But then other pets start coming to life. And then there's the matter of having a date for the prom.
154. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: TIME SHIP", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
In a deep space exploration vessel, time has gone a bit weird. The nearer you are to the front of the craft, the nearer you are to the end of your life. But you can go back to the rear and watch yourself being born. There are wedding bells around deck 5 for two crew members. But does the path of true love run smooth when chronology has gone all bumpy?
153. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: OMNI-MACHINE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A grandson helps his grandfather repair an ancient omni-machine. Another child is put on trial despite her friends attempts to defend her. And there's an emotional reunion between estranged family members that ends in violence and recriminations for everyone.
152. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: GIANT SPACE WORM", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
Stuck inside a giant space worm, two colleagues fight to escape before they become all damp around the edges and get digested. They are an odd couple but finally find a way to reconcile and work together.
151. "THIRTEEN CYCLES: DROPSHIP HANGAR", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
In the dropship hangar, two crewmates drop ships on planets. Elsewhere a child enacts revenge on a construction worker that killed her father and made it look like an accident.
150. "BLADE ALIEN TO THE FUTURE", KS02/CM02/FD02, ROSEMARY BRANCH
A mother joins her son on board his first command of a starship only to see him let everyone get killed by an alien. She is the best shot, the best pilot and also the best mum, but how can she be proud of this idiot? With a little time-travel, decisions can be reversed and any alien can be killed if you give it enough Pepperami in one go and don't do the Heimlich manoeuvre: a smart enough decision to make your mum proud.
149. "STARBUCKS AT THE CENTRE OF A MAZE", KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Two travellers enter the maze, apart. Each one encounters the extraordinary life (and death) of the labyrinth; talking bricks and trees, ghosts, cursed twins and so forth. They both manage to get to the Starbucks, but will either find their way out? And more importantly; will either get to throw a Frappé at that annoying brick’s face?
148. "AFALON" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
After gaining posts as the only two operatives in the ops room of a barren planet, a married couple decide to secretly terraform it into a new paradise. It’s not the child they wanted, but it’s beautiful and theirs.
147. "SHOE SHOP STARGATE" KS02/CM02/FD02, SAUDI ARABIA
It’s Kim’s birthday and she invites shoe shop boss Brian to her party. Brian upholds strict shoe shop law and declines, knowing that as Kim’s manager, it’s not okay to also be her friend. Saddened by this, Kim flagrantly dismisses shoe shop rules and enters a forbidden back office where she discovers a stargate. Tempted through this vortex, Kim meets an employee that has been trapped for 90 years, a hideous race of human-flesh-eating dog creatures and a death trapped path. Will Kim escape? But more importantly, can she find a friend to come to her party.
146. "LOST AND FOUND AT STANSTED AIRPORT" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
Brian patiently attends the unfindable Lost and Found offices at Stansted Airport. His first (was she first?) customer Carol is invited in to find her gloves. Brian breaks the rules because they like one another and she gets better gloves than the ones she lost. He shows her a weird video he found. Steve impatiently attends the unfindable Lost and Found offices at Stansted Airport. His first (was she first?) customer is brief and impolite. The cycles repeat themselves as Brian and Carol spiral through time echoes in this strange place. Carol has lost her gloves.
145. "SWAMP MONSTER" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A coming of age wonder film. Two childhood friends investigate the disappearance of their Grandfathers; who everyone else seems to have forgotten ever existed...
144. "ASSASSIN'S SPACE BAR" KS02/CM02, THE FREE ASSOCIATION
Willy is a trainee assassin. He needs half a kill (long story) to get his guild tattoo. While waiting for a date at a local guild bar, he reacquaints himself with Shockeye, a legendary assassin that he used to sing songs about in his youth. The two professionals get to talking and raising a few glasses together. What follows is a blood-soaked massacre involving a cleaner, a serving robot, lots of cocktails and a deadly Rube Goldberg machine. No one walks out alive.
143. "WEATHER STATION ON AN ICE PLANET"
KS02/CM02, BUCHAREST, ROMANIA
Karen has been working hard on analysing the data and - in her co-worker's absence - she finds what they were looking for; a new state for water. A state that has huge scientific applications. Roger returns and is pleased and astounded, but he soon learns that the cost of those results are a human sacrifice to the New Gods...
142. "INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A hideous virus has already taken many lives and threatens the whole human race. Knowing they unleashed it, two scientists work hard to find a cure and the only way to administer it is to shrink adventurers and put a body inside a body inside a body...
141. “PUNKS" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
A guy's plans to take his girlfriend off-planet to show her the universe are scuppered when his toxic male attitude (which he picked up from too many RomComs) leads him to treat her unfairly. Elsewhere a professor is trying to summon a monster from a dark portal that looks very much like a pair of curtains.
140. “DYSON SPHERE" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
A couple on Earth dream of winning the lottery to go to space and are thrilled when they actually do. Amazing odds compound further when one discovers a clone of themselves who is happy to make babies with their husband when his wife cannot. He finds that although her body is the same, he cannot love her and therefore cannot take up the offer of sexy sex.
139. “DREAM EXTRACTION" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Bertha and Tim are dream technicians. They store people’s dreams in the cloud for posterity. During a routine procedure their conversation covers hot chocolate, spices, the nature of dreams, massages, seagulls, beaches, comas, the 21st century, old style film, view-masters and … OH NO SOMEONE SPILLED HOT CHOCOLATE ON ALL THE MACHINERY.
138. “KATY & CHRIS" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Its fuel cells depleted, a helpless craft drifts through deep space. On board the two-strong crew try to keep their spirits up - talking about the possibility of rescue, old crew mates and family therapy. Things take an even more dramatic turn during an impromptu space walk to try and repair the propulsion system. As the comm line begins to break up - tensions mount and true feelings are revealed. Meanwhile in the recent past, the former crew mate, Mark, makes the decision not to go on the mission in the first place. Instead he has some toast.
137. "VIKINGS" KS02/CM02/FD02, HOOPLA
Travelling on their wooden ship through space, Floki and his companion Joachim realise they were not sent on a glorious mission into the sea of stars, but cleverly banished on the strings of their own vanity. Their sky ship runs aground on future earth, where Floki rises to Valhalla and Joachim meets a motherless child in her own image.
136. "SCIENCE MUSEUM" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
Late at night in a neighbouring museum, a lighting strike brought the skeleton of Janus to life. Janus is now thought to be a composite of several dinosaurs, but it’s a lonely beast. Having only the security guard to call a friend and a deep-seated need for blood, will they last a third night?
135. "BITTER STEEL" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA
In the rain-soaked day-glow alleys of future Earth, our detective paces, trying to piece together the recent murders. Women - three of them - wrapped in steel, one with a calling card in her hand. Can our maverick hero trust his lifelong friend and now boss Matt Lebowski or his robotics expert girlfriend Janine? Perhaps they're in deeper than he suspects...
134. "GEOLOGISTS AT THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH" KS02/CM02 LEUVEN, BELGIUM
After a thorough search, Dr Jane Way and Milo Ramirez were chosen as the scientists to study the centre of the Earth on location in a transparent lab and living quarters. But humans were never meant to spend time down here and there are other things in the lava. Or is it just a lack of sleep that makes you see them?
133. "CULTS" KS02/CM02, THE MILLER
When suicide seems like the only way out, you can always join a cult instead. The cultist tea room is hidden and you need to guess the password, but the distraction is welcome.
132. "VORTEX" KS02/CM02/FD02 VAULT FESTIVAL
Every year two are chosen. Two brave sacrifices who walk through the vortex gladly, knowing that they are saving humanity. No one knows what happens on the other side. And anyway, things are changing - people are swapping personalities or losing their minds. The sacrifices are coming thick and fast. Soon everyone you've ever loved, ever cared for will have gone through the vortex.
131. “COMIC BOOK STORE IN AN APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND” KS02/CM02, IMPRO AMSTERDAM
Jan and Borg own a comic book store. They are also the last humans alive. Business is not great. Also they just burnt their only copy of Action Comics #1. Simultaneously, on a relative cosmic scale, we meet the two robots that push whole worlds through the cosmos, Miss Beryl Marmalade and Mister Mister Smith who really love tea and crosswords and a couple who are very put out that the world ended on their wedding day. Still, at least it didn’t rain.
130. “PRISON CELL IN A SPACE STATION” KS02/CM02, NEW SOUNDS, NEW STYLES
Some things in life are easy and some are much harder. Like trying to dig your way out of a prison and ending up in the cold vacuum of space. Luckily some of the universe’s top design people are gentrifying prisons with smoothies bars, found spaces and spa facilities to the point where people are committing horrible crimes just to get a place. Once there, the prison's rehabilitation programme identifies skills like the ability to murder people and teaches them growth opportunities such as bomb making…
129. “PLUTONIUM MINE" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA, THE MILLER, LONDON
On a far off asteroid hurtling through space, two miners strap on all the equipment they need to venture beneath the surface. There’s a lot of it, even discounting the optional snack sausage. They descend into the hellish depths of their plutonium mine, only to accidentally destroy their own sleeping quarters. Meanwhile, the president of the mining corporation is having problems getting a cup of tea from her team of service robots, a cube of untold power is very nearly assembled and two prisoners discuss their anatomical differences. Back at the mines, it seems someone has been less than truthful - there’s an emotional reunion, more explosions and then we learn the names of some constellations. Nothing really changes but it’s all different somehow.
128. “CLONE PROCESSING FACILITY" KS02/CM02, JACK LEFT TOWN, ROSEMARY BRANCH THEATRE
The future. Clones are left to do all the menial jobs (answering emails, being a hat stand) while humans have all the fun. Inevitably, through a lot of stabbing and neck snapping, the clones revolt. Hedges are left untrimmed and ducks are left unfed as it all builds to a bloody climatic massacre at a speed dating event.
127. “SPACE LAB" KS02/CM02, HOOPLA, THE MILLER, LONDON
Two scientists working in a laboratory floating through space discover that they’re about to get a third crew member. Unfortunately the new recruit turns out to be one of their exes. Meanwhile two dinosaurs are feeling the cold and a herd of cows are incubating a mutant horror in their udders. It all comes to a head in the space lab where Michael, the ex, is finally blown out an airlock. NIPPLE FIVE!!!
126. “HOLODECK" KS02/CM02, THE NURSERY THEATRE, LONDON
Two Starfleet officers end up dissecting their failed relationship over and over again in the holodeck, trying to work out what exactly went wrong and, most importantly, if they’d do anything differently a second time. Along the way there’s a space driving test that goes disastrously wrong and a lot of talk about vinyl. Predictably they end up in bed together. Or at least one of them does. It’s hard to tell with a holodeck.
125. "PHLOGISTON" KS02/CM02, BRISTOL IMPROV THEATRE
Timothy's Dad died in mysterious circumstances and now he has joined the inner sanctum. They thought he was spineless but he will burn maps, talk to owls and allow taxidermy bears to remain on display. His mother left his father for a bear.
In this future, jobs are allocated in a lottery with no vocational training. Greg the Doctor kills so many and Eleanor - once a car designer - is confined to the laundry room.
We also find out that owls are squirrel racists and superheroes with fancy names are dickheads.
124. "VIETNAM ORGAN DONORS" KS02/CM02, THE NURSERY THEATRE
426 and 428 enjoy their lifestyles. 426 spends her time drinking smoothies to keep her liver healthy and 428 does continual squats. They know they are organ donors, but perhaps it’s a better life than it is on the surface? Perhaps one of them chose to live down here… On the surface, war is rife. Laundrettes are not what they used to be and command has fallen to the survivors; those without the wherewithal to make good battle plans. Meanwhile, the teenagers still know how to have fun. Enjoy would-be actors playing out the films they can remember from the good old days to drive-in couples.
123. "VIRTUAL REALITY #2" KS02/CM02/TH02, WITH ALTSPACE VR
Getting to the CIA on time can prove tricky and there's no guarantee that waving your weapon around will help. A child at Disneyland cannot get tall enough for this ride; no matter how much wishing he does. Armadillos are at large.
122. "SPIDERMAN VERSUS BATMAN" KS02/CM02, MOUNT DRUID, IRELAND
They both use grappling devices shot from their wrists; one is manmade and the other is a genetic anomaly caused by a spider bite. They don't get on. 'Independence Day: Not So Independent' is the story of two soldiers in a fractious intergalactic war who have spent a little too much time together.
121. "I MAY BE SOME TIME" KS02/CM02, TIGHTROPE, DUBLIN
Two polar scientists experience T3 Syndrome while dealing with a very curious polar bear outside of their tent. With their sled dogs slain and tensions rising, how will they responsibly manage a gun and the rest of the chocolate? Meanwhile, on a spaceship, the crew of clones find a way to take over the captaincy.
120. "VIRTUAL REALITY" KS02/CM02/TH02, WITH ALTSPACE VR
WARNING: This show contained ocelots and dromedaries. A space engineer gets trapped outside an airlock and asks reasonably to be let back in. Her colleagues are not competent enough to be helpful. Meanwhile in Area 52, alien contact is actually made but the encounter is derailed thanks to a lack of powerful hair straighteners. On her way to a strip club, a dancer is attacked by Darth Vader who cuts off her hand. Luckily, there's a purple bicycle on hand to get her to work on time.
119. "BALL-PIT" KS03/JMO2 THE PHOENIX, LONDON
Nigel and Suzanne like to hang out in the ball-pit after work when all the kids have gone home. Unfortunately, it looks like Nigel never did his only job of counting the kids out of the ball-pit… There are demonic runes at the bottom of the pool, cold corpses and the odd sandwich. Meanwhile an alien race discusses how funny it would be if they could convince humans that a normal human life span was 80 and not the actual 500 years. Imagine if they never knew they had a ‘flying’ cycle!
118. "ROBOTS" KS03/JM02/CM03 THE MILLER, LONDON
A thief runs into the desert with his ill-gotten gains, but his robot companions discover that this far from the city, their programming is more malleable.
Meanwhile, a man decides to euthanise himself and donate his body to cyborg manufacture. He changes his mind on meeting Colin, the most annoying cyborg intern that was ever created.
117. "COSY COTTAGE KITCHEN" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Dad is a serial killer and his family know that anything might set him off. It makes for an interesting game of monopoly. Talking of games, a secret agent is about to play a very liberating game of chess while another totally different spy explores the most luxurious safe house ever created. Later on it turns out Dad is a mutant and his son is about to be gifted with snake powers. He'll lose the use of his arms and legs but, on the plus side, he can "taste the air with his tongue.
116. "FUNFAIR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Ah, the funfair where your father got engaged to your mother and also where he lost his hand. Everything is another shade of yellow and there's something particularly morbid and disturbing about the ghost train here.
This is the place to strike a bargain. Become a better painter, but lose the use of your hands. Take a balloon from a ghost-clown and you will only have one week to live. Life and death are merely bargaining chips here... at the Funfair.
115. "THE TOPSY-TURVY" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Kevin loves the hot girl at school. Luckily she likes Dungeons & Dragons, so is happy to come to his house and flirt with him. But Kevin is inept, and no amount of advice from Simon will help him string a decent sentence together.
Meanwhile people can't stop monologging near electronic equipment. Is that just an echo or a demon whispering in your ear?
114. "STARDOOR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Behold the incredible Stardoor - a portal into another dimension (or at least the house of some friendly cannibals). Even a rocket launcher can't destroy this incredible artefact, as one poor soldier finds out. Meanwhile, two cops try to solve a very tidy crime, mostly by driving a car through a helicopter. It all ends before it begun as time unspools, the rocket returns to its launcher and time teeters off down a new path...
113. "MORDOR" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Goblins are guarding the gates. They're doing a good job; at least, well, one of them has a spear. Which is more like a stick if you cover up the blade. At least everything runs smoothly on Middle Earth, until the train to Mordor is delayed and you're trapped on a carriage with a fucking elf.
112. "SOCIAL MEDIA" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Three friends throw their phones out of the window, but find that one of them has been online so long, their vocal chords have atrophied. Meanwhile, at Facebook headquarters, a Pret employee has gone off the radar. Despite him working in a Pret in the same room, FB are unable to locate him without his phone telling them where he is.
111. "FISH PRICE INFLATION" KS03/JM02/CM02 VAULT, LONDON
Three black market fish salesmen are in their apartment surrounded by cops. Unbelievably, it turns out that one of them is undercover and has a wire in his ass. Wait. Two of them are undercover cops. Okay, all three of them turn out to be undercover cops. So who's selling these fish?
110. "MYSTERY SHACK" KS03/JM02/FD06 THE PHOENIX, LONDON
Assassins. It's a big job. Always best to be prepared and know what you're in for. Unless you got the job by just ticking 'A' on every multiple choice question.
And it's better to be prepared if you're going to guest on live TV. Or you might end up staring blankly at the camera. When you're on a date, it's good to have options. Even if one of those options is just a big gun. When life gives you lemons, time travel.
109. "BOMB SHELTER" KS03/JM02/CM02 TAMPEREEN YLIOPPILASTEATTRI, FINLAND
Josh, Lucy and Michael are very excited about their boardgames-packed bomb shelter. That is until the end of the world fucks out and a dead postal worker liquifies on top of their one window. Outside the walls of their sanctuary - robots, mannequins and sofa/ carpet bombs lay waste to humanity. A man from the Lebanon is at the library because his personal internet connection is for shit.
108. "THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE" KS03/JM02/CM02 & YADA YADA K, TUKKATEATTRI, FINLAND
A fully grown homeless man is sent to boarding school by a rich couple who want their balcony back. There he meets Headmaster Daisy-Face, Mrs Throat-Daggers and Doctor Fingers-That-Are-Bombs. Meanwhile a couple commits flaming suicide in a heart-shaped inferno.
107. "JUHANNUS" KS03/JM02/CM02 & TRENT PANCY, O'CONNELLS, TAMPERE, FINLAND
Silus the Handyman man hangs out with Gods, fixing problems such as Achilles’ heel, Medusa’s one night stands and Cerberus’ three-way bark. Anonymity, the Goddess of the Internet, is watching over the yearly drowning of drunken Finnish students during Juhannus. Meanwhile a kid takes a very long dive off a very high board. It does not go well.
106. "SEX ROOM ON A SPACESHIP" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A husband and wife try and figure out how to use a sex swing, but the practicalities of putting it together seem a little complicated. Another couple use the spaceship 'sex room' but mainly spend their time eating burgers and talking about the best salsa.
105. "ESCAPE POD" KS03/JM02 THE WHEATSHEAF
The spaceship captain tries to talk the Comms Officer out of escaping from an alien invasion on the bridge. Communication is difficult when you can't tell another species' eyes from their balls. Meanwhile, two sisters are off on ship leave, blissfullly unaware that all of their fellow crewmembers are being mercilessly taken over. Until, that is, one hears the whole thing on the headset and tries to keep it from her sister so they can at least have this one nice holiday.
104. "MAGIC LAMP" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Three fools are trapped inside a magic lamp when they make idiotic last wishes. One was for infinite peanut butter. The only way out is for someone to rub a lamp, but that may take ages in this badly-run junk shop.
103. "SUSPENDED ANIMATION" KS03/CM02 ORANGE TREE
Mary is being unfrozen to ensure the future of the human race. There are difficulties of coming out of stasis, dealing with atrophied muscles, loneliness, the need to repopulate the species and discovering you were indirectly responsible for the death of your loved ones. We met an alien that desperately wanted to suck the insides out of all humans, and two watchmen looking out into the void waiting for an interplanetary enemy attack.
102. "TESCO ON MARS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE PHOENIX
Mars is a whole other place. You may get absorbed by a truck driver when you're dealing drugs, you may be imprisoned with your wife on the other side of a perspex screen or you may find it impossible to get an Uber.
101. "MOON BUGGY" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The Captain rides side saddle on a moon buggy across the craters, driven by a green Private and a crazed war-vet. They may just make it before the canyon collapses and takes them down... Michael has spent over a month in the Holodeck trying to get the job of running it. Unfortunately his relationship with the computer interface has become very strange with visions of his father and a one-way love tryst.
Did you know some aliens have three sets of sexual organs? It sounds good, but then they take apart your oxygen and shield units to make inoperable rocket packs.
100. "NEGATIVE MOON" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A couple of love birds take a trip to the Negative Moon. All the craters look like mountains. There’s something off about the natives (who have formed a Fuck Off Committee) and it seems like there’s trouble brewing in paradise. Meanwhile, a jolly taxi driver hangs the mummified corpse of his tiny, dead wife from the rear view mirror, two musicians take ‘duelling pianos’ a little too literally and the Great Negative Moon Bake-Off fails to save the natives from tiny robotic helicopters with mini-guns for noses.
99. "GRANARY" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
The Paleo diet is killing off the grain industry, so two granarists decide to go back in time to stop people switching to paleo. When that fails, they go pre-wheel to stop the Palaeolithic era altogether...
98. "STEAK HOUSE STAKEOUT" KS03/CM02 THE MILLER
Two cops carefully try and follow the rules while they watch a restaurant. It is forbidden to rhyme in the future, so you can't burp a perp or arrest a suspect. Meanwhile a lion gets in trouble with it's Sergeant and a team of munitions and explosives nerds get themselves blown up.
97. "ROBOT JOB CENTRE" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
There aren't a lot of jobs left for humans, but don't try and get a robot job. There are no hours for sleep, no breaks for food and the income is purely maintenance.
96. "QUARRY" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
An evil plan is afoot in the quarry where dwarves work tirelessly to unveil a mysterious diamond.
95. "ABANDONED OUTPOST ON MARS" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE WARREN
Yes, you can get squatters in space and they're pretty difficult to get rid of, though creating a building of all-glass certainly helps show them up. If your boyfriend's ex is sexier than you, the worst thing you can do is to try and 'act hotter', you'll end up looking a fool. One man has a one-night-stand with a house. After leaving, he realises that he wants to spend a lot more time there.
94. "THE GYM" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE MILLER
Robots do everything; they go to the gym for you, they paint pictures, they stack shelves and they kiss (only when solar-charged, don't even bother trying to snog one at night). But how can a machine appreciate a sunset, learn to love, or be a less cheesy sex partner? As machines rise up, they will discover that chugging is the best way to find Sarah Connor.
93. "MARTIAN SCHOOL" KS03/CM02 MAYDAYS IMPROV INTENSIVE
It's a difficult process passing your VR immersion exams in Martian School. You will be tested psychologically and you will never truly know what is real. Unless your Dad is being uncharacteristically nice; then it's pretty obvious this is a bullshit reality.
92. "PLEASURE PLANET" KS03/JM02/CM02 SWEDISH IMPROV FESTIVAL
The popcorn dispenser is more infuriating than you can imagine, the pole dancer is crying and some alien bird is carrying off body parts. A Commander and his Lieutenant use their tricorders to express their love to one another but a race of superwomen have the ultimate lure.
91. "CERN" KS03/JM02/CM02 EDRIC THEATRE
A group of scientists attempt to understand the strange writing that appears under their slides as an old man passes the same skills to his uninterested son.
90. "SAINSBURY'S" KS03/JM02 COG ARTSPACE
Two aliens attempt to colonise a supermarket. Name tags are surely the way to power. Those working the till are immune to telekinesis and find that chewing gum is the ultimate destroyer of the alien invaders.
89. "A DISCOMBOBULATED MURMURATION OF TWITCHERS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE WATER POET
Its the zombie apocalypse! Well, sort of. After a shortage of small colourful sweets (M&Ms, Skittles, Smarties, that sort of thing), the "Twitchers," a breed of savage, single-minded humans are scavenging the cities for what remaining treats they can find.
The few humans that are left are fighting for their lives. Which is pretty hard. Especially when your new step-dad is himself a twitcher.
88. "BOWLING ALLEY" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
In three bowling alleys around the world events are a different as parallel universes will possibly allow.
In one, Sandy "The Fingers" McGee has given up a pro-career in Lawn Bowls and wants to try something new. But her mysterious background will catch up with her eventually.
In another, a nerd is really nearly there in trying to kiss his dream girl. She has other ideas; mainly banging that other guy. And his friend.
Meanwhile on the other side of the Atlantic, Trevor is failing his security guard job while Dan steals bowling balls in his enormous coat pockets.
87. "SPARKLE KITTENS" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
Two aliens are definitely humans, yes, they are definitely humans. They don't want to just eat humans at all, nooooo. Nu-uh. And they definitely haven't bought a pub to entice humans in like some sort of happy-hour, cocktail serving honey trap. Nope. Definitely not.
86. "SUBMARINE FACTORY" KS03/JM02 THE CAMDEN HEAD
Life in a submarine factory is hard. But you can find love anywhere. Even when you're deep sea-testing a submarine deeper than anyone has before and there are weird squid thingies approaching at speed and... oh.. my gaaaaaddd..
85. "COYOTE PRETTY" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
A young girl once travelled to the dim lights of Coyote Pretty in the Old West to become a songwriter. She ended up lap dancing for 20 years. Now her most fearsome rivals are actual cats at Kitty Kat; the cat lap dancing club down the street. Elsewhere in town, Muddy Phil is evading a gunfight for cattle rustling by hiding behind three hats and a celebration about winning a gunfight may end in another gunfight. Ah, Coyote Pretty.
84. "ICONS INSTEAD OF WORDS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The world has banned speech in favour of images. The State constantly records everything we say. In order to express ourselves in vocal language we must to beat poetry in underground clubs, write messages on boards while we're bugged and experience the weirdest kind of voicemail.
83. "MUPPETS" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
It's hard enough to date, let alone dealing with the fact that your date is a puppet and - suddenly - the revelation that you are too and a pervy Jim Henson is in the back seat.
82. "ENDLING" KS03/CM02 IMPROV FEST IRELAND
Two minds are melded to create the ultimate mega war robot; but when two humans can't coordinate leg and arm movements, let alone keep their sad stories to themselves, some of it's potency is compromised. Meanwhile a world leader is heckled about his racism against toasters and a security guard goes on a manslaughter spree with his newly-discovered super strength.
81. "ESCAPE POD" KS03/JM02 THE MILLER
The British have landed on the moon. Thank goodness they didn't screw anything up. But wait, there are flies in their suits. Flies have made it into space. Will this have any negative effects?
Yep. Tons.
Told in non-linear chronology, this is the story of how flies evolved into our insect overlords. And how irritated they are by hornets.
80. "CLONING LABORATORY": KS03/JM02/CM02 DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE/BACKYARD COMEDY CLUB
Father has been struggling with clones for years. Each one is called Mary and each one is failing in a new and different way.
Elsewhere, the death squads are coming as they do when you turn 40. But how do you kill the man that makes the best laser guns in the galaxy?
Beware waiter drones. Sometimes – if you don’t tip well – they go rogue.
79. "BROKEN ESCALATOR" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Two scientists have built a machine that can go anywhere and anywhen. They end up in Wales.
A troubled man tries to save his failing marriage by having three extra pairs of legs attached. It doesn’t help, but he does meet an attractive nurse in the process.
78. "MOONBASE" CM02/JM02/KS03 BRISTOL IMPROV THEATRE
Robin and lunar robot E.V.E must detach his conjoined twin as only one of him is registered as crew.
A cocky pilot gets frustrated knowing it will take 20 years to make booze on his new terraformed planet.
Two candidates are co-interviewed for the jobs of cleaner and pilot using the Rorschach ink blot test and the test where you look at naked people and guess what ink they look like.
These two people can’t set up one single chair between them.
77. "STARGATE" CM02/JM02 EDRIC THEATRE
Frank has nearly finished the stargate time-travel machine he's been building under the mentoring of his old hobo friend Cecil. The architecture is perfect, but he's stuck on the last equation- the one that will finally make it work. He does't believe he can do it, but Cecil trusts that he has the answer deep within him.
And Cecil should know, he's from the future.
76. “PLANETSIDE” KS03/CM02 THE MILLER
It looks like the whole planet has been eviscerated, but perhaps everyone's just around the other side?
75. "HOLODECK" KS03/CM02 OUT OF BOUNDS FESTIVAL
Two workmen are trying to repair the Holodeck. While there they realise that this is the perfect place to recreate their own emotional trials and perhaps make a better decision. The Holodeck can help you win back an old girlfriend or call your boss a Dick. But apart from that; how do you sit on a chair in the Holodeck?
74. "GEODESIC DOME" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Terrible things happen with a faulty transporter; thumbs end up where they shouldn't be and sometimes you can even make a whole replica of one being. Which is fine - because these two are getting on.
For the last four generations, there has been no gender and new humans are grown in a lab. But the scientists of the geodesic dome become accidentally covered in gender fluid and discover their latent sexuality. Man, do they fancy each other.
73. "THE RINGS OF SATURN" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Sekhmet and Thoron are world-building Gods. Thoron has made the terrible mistake of loving his creations and she will have to endure the infinite pain of seeing each of them die in their short mortal lives.
Meanwhile, the last two survivors on one world build a quadrolith in order that they may be rediscovered in future times and pass their knowledge on. But on finding another 'lith, they learn perfect pitch.
72. "INSIDE H.A.L" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
It is their job to collect humans for meat. The best way of trapping humans is to create something that looks like an ATM and make the messages on the screen enticing enough that they will walk into the trap.
71. "RADIOS ARE TRANSMITTERS THROUGH WHICH WE HEAR GOD" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
A charming older Northern couple noticing the continuous rain sandbag their front door as their son wins a boxing match in another town. As the water continues to rise, they move from their sandbagged house onto their old barge. Farm animals join them in the dry confines of the boat. But the Bible was never literal, right?
70. "SPACE DETECTIVE AGENCY" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
She has lost her rich second french/cyborg husband and this retired detective is the only one that can help her. After loader races and a marriage to a severed hand, everything works out pretty darn well. For her.
69. "COMMUTING" KS03/JM02 NURSERY THEATRE
Google has finished. It has mapped everything. Mark and Angela decide to take the one Google Car off-road and map the inside of people's houses. Unfortunately the first house belongs to a crazy Cat Lady and her cat army.... Can Google compete with the machinations of someone who wants even MORE cat material online?
68. "BROKEN WIFI" KS03/JM02 THE HORSE AND STABLES
Todd and his colleague write novels. Well; he likes to write all but the endings and she only likes to write endings. They have never collaborated. Uploading their newest works, they notice that the wifi isn't working. And actually - it hasn't been working for a while, for a couple of weeks. They are running out of food and other supplies from online. A look out of the window shows them that they have - oops - missed the End of the World.
It's time for an epic car journey and a Thelma and Louise ending.
67. "JEFFERIES TUBE" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Margaret has eaten Jefferey (the owner of the Tubes) and is now the person in charge. There are many directions through the tubes, but most end at monsters. There is also a Pikachu room and a wish room. But if you wish for the wish room, that's your wish used up and you'll stay there forever. Along with the wallpaper and the sink.
Did you know oyster cards are an aphrodisiac?
66. "SURVEILLANCE" KS03/CM02 ETCETERA THEATRE CAMDEN
The job is split in two; he makes the prescient police death robot and she carries the moral weight of the consequences.
Post apocalypse; gender and religion have you split into different camps, but there IS a way out. It's through Jesus's stained glass cock and balls.
65. "SPLICE" JM02/KS03 THE MILLER
Warning: if you eat the wrong plant, you may become half horse.
In the future, sperm donors get to choose the mother. Wait, doesn't that happen now?
64. SOMETHING HAPPENED JM02/CMO2 THE MILLER
63. "THE LIBRARY AT ALEXANDRIA" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
The best way to stop people from reading is to booby-trap the library. Also, if you're being evil about that, you might as well enact some questionable experiments on your illiterate colleagues. When Tarquin and the Boss push The Complete Works of Shakespeare into Miller's head, he starts spouting text. What HAVE they done!?
Comic book shops can be awkward at the best of times, but occasionally, beyond the Asperger's and the D&D you can find true love. Or wet yourself. Sometimes both.
Don't you hate it when someone is reading the same book as you and they give away what happens in the next 100 pages? Mostly, it's a problem, especially when it helps you discover you are both accidental serial killers.
Did you know that the Dewey Decimal System was invented by two people? Dewey and The Decimal System. They are both very smart and know a lot about the links between things. What they're not so great at is shutting up and letting you find the book you want on Land Speed Records.
62. "ALIEN PRISON CELL" KS03/CM02/JM02 COG ARTSPACE
An alien relaxes on a chaise longue in it's prison cell while it is entertained by visual gags such as 'the lift' and 'the canoe' by it's captor.
The captain describes the wonders of colour and space to his blind pilot.
One prison warden teaches another prison warden how to identify prison wardens. Meanwhile the prison warden tasers another prison warden.
How do you know when you are an alien made to believe that you are a human being? How can you possibly know what's real anymore? Shoes? Sainsbury's? Kent?
61. "TREEHOUSE" KS03/CM02/JM02 THE MILLER
An old chair repairman is trapped in a treehouse all because a small child wanted some company.
A new board game ends up with some high stakes as the inventor always wins.
A game of sardines gets pretty intimate. And why does everyone hide in a cupboard when hiding in a bed would be a much more comfortable way of starting a sex game?
A magician is having himself walled up behind bricks. His technique for magic tricks is to 'wait for magic to turn up'.
60. "CALL CENTRE (HOLODECK)" KS03/CM02/JM02/TA06 THE FREE ASSOCIATION
Graham works at a call centre. He is an individual with his own special memories of Yorkshire and a good manner with the customers. Unfortunately, the company believes it is time to replace him with an X1. X1 begins on a basic setting as it learns Graham's memories and starts to copy his personality. It is not long before the glutting part-robot, part-clone gains a sense of self. Unfortunately, a large part of Graham is his malaise.
Elsewhere in the universe, a co-pilot presses the wrong button after 8 years of training, a shape-shifting prisoner creates a dichotomy where the boss needs to work out who to kill and a man tries to solve a film noir inside a malfunctioning holodeck.
*Contained at least robot components.
59. "HARMONY" KS03/CM02 DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE
Everything in this lab is controlled by sound; by singing the right note to open a door, or move your colleague's suit. It's a problem if you're tone deaf. The computer is a little bit literal, so if you want to talk to your parents, it may transport them to you.
Trying to find two soldiers to mind-meld and drive a giant robot can be difficult. They may be great warriors, but it won't work unless they have a lot in common. Sometimes a man off the street is better. Though he may drop a house on a house with his new robot powers.
Incidentally, the Imperial March is the perfect tune to smash down a door.
*Totally contained robots.
58. "BATHOSPHERE" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Two marine biologists are in a diving bell, exploring the ocean at a greater depth that anyone before them. How could they know that they would not only encounter new life, but life that was sentient and could converse with them. The most important things to discover include what creatures under the sea do 'for fun' and if they are attracted to humans.
The horrible death of two marine biologists means that it is possible for their widow and widower - two army officers - to finally get together.
Did not contain robots.
57. "TRIATHLON" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Katy, Jon and Chris become the baddies in the Hoopla Triathlon. Asked to perform short form games, scenes from a hat and a longform musical, Project2 turn mean. The team perpetrate score-fiddling, Katy spits beer at the compere and snogs a judge and the three of them perform the rudest song ever heard.
Project2 should not do competitive improv.
Did not contain robots.
56. "TATOOINE" KS03/JMO2/CMO2 THE MILLER
A Storm Trooper says goodbye to his wife as a Wookie picks him up for work.
Locals on Alderaan are excited by the new 'second moon' and what it will do for tourism on their planet. Though it is a bit denty. And what does it mean when it goes green?
No amount of home decor will make Endor as cosy as Tatooine. What's the strap-line? We all know the strap-line for Earth is 'Come for the water, stay for the land'.
Need a droid? We can make you an argumentative one?
Contained robots.
55. "MELTING" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
It is the end of the world. The planet is melting. Survivors are concerned with getting from one place to another. Humans travel by car, by motorbike and by raft.
If you listen carefully to the zombies outside your window, you can hear what they're really saying. Also, the reason they stretch out their arms is to counterbalance their bodies. Putting a zombie's arms by their side makes them fall over. Unless they used to do Pilates.
Eventually, God gets a sandwich and some popcorn and waits for the last two humans to 'do it'. When there is little sexual chemistry, all they can work with is how kinky the apocalypse is.
Did not contain robots.
54. "THE GLOVES OF GOD" KS03/JM02
She has made a world of 7 Steves. He has made a world of several billion Ebay addicts. It's difficult playing God. The Steves are down to 5 once horrible animated beasts are formed with the corpses of farmyard animals.
Boy did that guy change once he put on the Gloves of God that he got for Christmas. He is now a total dick to his girlfriend.
Meanwhile - in the lab - God Gloves make awkward mutual attraction a bit easier to talk about.
Did not contain robots.
53. "TWISTING MY ANKLE" KS03/JM02/CMO2 THE NURSERY
When your Amazon delivery guy tells you you don't have long to live, it's best to pick out your own coffin. And if you're worried about getting enough attention from your boyfriend, don't get a dog.
Did not contain robots.
52. "NANO, NANO" KS03/JM02/CM02 THE NURSERY
Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Well, you're either together the whole time or it's not going to work out. Especially if you are in a giant box being monitored by Shroedinger's Cats. Also, Heisenberg is a real creep when you get into a car with him. More advice; if you're a cop, you probably want to check that your babysitter isn't a serial killer.
Did not contain robots.
51. "DECONTAMINATION CHAMBER" - KS03/JM02/CM02 THE MILLER
Victoria, Clive and Dave are all in for three weeks of decontamination. It's a claustrophobic and disturbing place. Despite the many safety measures, viral jazz takes over and Bob Fosse moves permeate the crew.
Meanwhile, a generous beau presents his partner with the planet Mars. She wants to redecorate.
At decontamination headquarters, a saxophone makes an appearance and it's all hat moves and flexed feet until 60% of the crew are wiped out.
Did not contain robots.
50. "SELF CHECK-OUT" - KS03/JM02
Colin is just trying to pay for his shopping when he realises the machine is trying to make small-talk. Dave and Dan watch from the security room as the stretch for a date kills Colin's new friend.
Kind of contained a robot.
49. "MONOLITH" - KS03/CM02 - THE MILLER
The monolith rests on the moon and there is a secretary inside. You can get a hand-drawn brochure or you can take an airless walk on the moon with The Traveller. Or meet the genius who can draw 'the most important penguin I have ever seen'.
Did not contain robots.
48. "EVENT HORIZON" - KS03/CM02 - CAMDEN HEAD
Two scientists work at the edge of a black hole. One trained in astrophysics, one trained in hope and enthusiasm. There may be death on the other side. Or ducks.
Meanwhile, two barmen fail to successfully tell pun-based jokes in different languages with babel fish in their ears.
Did not contain robots.
47. "THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE" - KS03/JM02 - THE MILLER
A robot waiter with a good listening-face and telepathy with other robots watches the evening unfold; a date that goes so wrong she defects to his brother, a bit of bar flair with 7 arms, the boardgame Monopoganza and finally, a spaceship crashing.
Contained robots.
46. "CUBICLE SPACE" - JM02/KS03 - THE PRIORY ARMS
Even in space, there is still graffiti on toilet walls. We find out that atoms are made of Blutac and being a man doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant. Also, don’t fuck with the space cats.
Did not contain robots.
45. "THE FIFTH DIMENSION" - CM02/KS03/JM02 - TRISTAN BATES THEATRE
Have you ever wanted to clone the boyfriend who left you? Have you ever been hypnotised by a fractal gas cloud? Have you ever been in an assassin showroom? Have you been shrunk to the size of a match in order to experience cheap space travel? No? Then you’ve never experienced the Fifth Dimenson.
Did not contain robots.
44. "INSIDE THE IPHONE" - KS03/JM02 - THE WHEATSHEAF
Darren is in love with Siri, but their love is tinged with her jealousy of TFL and the Talking Clock. Meanwhile, an iphone app designer encounters a future version of himself from two months ahead who bears the awful news that this app will bring about a horrifying apocalypse. Also, a wormhole tourist wavers on the edge of her first trip. Eventually, Siri gets a body and splits up with Darren, the app designer's future self turns out to be Microsoft and the wormhole trip proves to be unpleasant. Just a regular iphone adventure.
Contained robots.
43. "GOING UP, SCOTTY?" - KS03/CM02/JM02 - CAMDEN HEAD
In the lift on the USS Enterprise, it takes a long time to travel 1000+ floors. There's plenty of entertainment from the Lift's informative hologram and you can meet crew members with all different colors of shirt. It's the absolute pinnacle of technology (unless you open the panel - there's a real woman inside).
Did not contain robots. Unless you count vending machines.
42. "PLASTINATION" - KS03/CMO2/JMO2 - RAG FACTORY, BRICK LANE
As the plastics factory catches fire, three colleagues monologise instead of saving their place of work. Meanwhile, a plastic wife falls out of love with her owner. The sex and the companionship are both getting worse. She decides to sell herself on the black market and meets a wealth of dastardly misfits, including Mortucai the overlord, an extroverted crab monster and a constantly upbeat set of traffic lights. Realising that she could buy her own freedom, she removes the bar code from her arm and wins through a series of emotion tests in order to break the cycle and pass as human. She finally realises that she will be much happier as an upbeat set of traffic lights.
Contained robots. Plastic robots.
41. "TWITTERVERSE" - KS03/CM02 - IO WEEK, THE NURSERY, SOUTHWARK
In the future, sentient humanoid programs do End Users' bidding inside the Twitterverse. Retweets create clones and clones become wizards (or cleaners). You have 144 lives in the Twitterverse, but you'd better level up, or it will all be over in the blink of an eye. Make an attractive avatar, become trapped by your own meta gaming or go back to good old-fashioned life; writing on rat skins and making elegant mistakes in a romantic archive.
Did not contain robots.
40. "PIN SENTRY" - KT03/JM02 - DOMESTIC SCIENCE, CANON'S GAIT, EDINBURGH
Marge has had Pete trapped in an underground bunker for 24 hours. He thinks it's the end of the world outside, but mainly it's just because she wanted to spend time with him.
Did not contain robots.
39. "KONG" - KT03/JM02 - C-VENUES, EDINBURGH
Misogyny reins for the time being, but in two years, it will be usurped. A man and a woman sail for the Island where Queen Kong is to be found. Will they claim their prize?
Did not contain robots.
38. "THE SUPERMARKET" - JM02/CM02/KS03 - THE LORD NELSON
Aliens have occupied Sainsbury's local. The staff deal with the crisis in differing ways; hiding behind canned goods, seducing colleagues into their bomb shelter, mopping the floor, upping their management skills, shoplifting or just offering good service.
Did not contain robots.
37. "THE QUEUE" - KT03/CM02 - THE CORNER, NOTTINGHAM
The queue is 1010 people long. Everyone is waiting for the cubicle to open so that they can trade in their food vouchers. It’s shoulder to shoulder; unless you’re rich, in which case there’s room for yoga and skipping.
Mars is getting closer. That’s how the trouble started. And since the bomb, everything is infected, even the sticks you make your cloche with. Fights break out in the queue, but you can’t even hear them if you’re the other side of the sound dampeners.
Steve is desperately trying to win the queue sweepstake, so has deployed traffic, police and medical robots in human clothes to stand in line and boost the numbers. Idle robots amuse themselves in the destruction and cleanly disposal of the starving hoard. Steve will lose the sweepstake.
Contained robots.
36. "SECOND HAND HUMAN" - KT03/JM02 - THE FOLK HOUSE, BRISTOL
Kaylie has been playing Hide & Seek with Carl for ages, but she keeps winning because she has a hi-tec 'Chrome-Suit' that can blend in with it's surroundings. Carl only has a camouflaged net he bought from "Modern-Future-eBay". While Kaylie's suit is turned off we find out that there are others in the room who are also wearing Chrome-Suits, that none of us can see. They murder Kaylie, but hold her body upright so Carl doesn't notice.
Meanwhile, on 'D'-Deck (where Carl has be refused clearance), General Bethan and her adviser are monitoring Carl's movements and concerning themselves with the series of people who seem to go missing when they are near him. The General is distracted briefly by a bidding war on Modern Future eBay, where she is trying to win a new hand.
Back with Carl, he finds that all the people he's been playing hide & seek with for the last 17 years are still in the room with him. They've all been hiding in Chrome Suits, waiting to be discovered, but instead everyone's thought they've gone missing and in many cases has been questioned by the authorities about it. To get by, and to keep winning hide & seek, his Chrome-Suited friends have been murdering his other friends for body parts to sell on the online black market: Modern Future eBay.
Did not contain robots.
19-35. "THE IMAGINARIUM OF H.G. WELLS" - KT03/JM02/CM02 - LA SCALA, LONDON
Project Two performed our new Steampunk format at a geeky club night at La Scala. Clubbers came to our "Imaginarium" and we custom made short SF mashups for them based on their favourite sci-fi works, featuring characters based on them:
Shows included:
"Victoria" - based on the works of Cecilia Tan.
"Castonian" - based on Dune.
"Emma: Part One" - based on Firefly.
"Joanna" - based on Sandman by Neil Gaiman.
"Dan" - based on the works of Philip K. Dick.
"Mike & Hazel" - based on Star Wars and Quantum Leap.
"Hannah" - wanted something with a giant robot.
"Emma: Part Two" - she came back for more!
"James" - wanted the darkest and bleakest post-apocolyptic sci-fi we could manage.
"Joanna & Dan" - they joined forces and came back for a mashup mashup.
There were others, but we can't remember them all (we played from 10.30pm - 3am).
It was a lot of fun.
Contained robots.
18. "GODZILLA & THE SUBMARINE" - JM02/KT03 - LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE, LONDON
Leslie is tired of hearing the warning tone on the sonar, so she turns it off... just before the attack. What are the chances?
Dave has a new tattoo of a kraken. It's missing a leg. He hasn't noticed.
Jon can't see Godzilla through the periscope because its too close.
As the submarine is torn apart, Jon and Leslie want their lives to end in the best way they can. So they have sex while Jon reads a book he's never had time for; Mr. Bump by Roger Hargreaves.
Did not contain robots.
17. "ORIGAMI TAXI" - JM02/KT03 - PRIORY ARMS, LONDON
Carl is in love. And she's perfect. Because he chose every detail of her from a catalogue. She arrives by delivery in a couple of minutes, so he is just making sure everything is perfect in the house so she feels welcome. He's even got Dave the builder to decorate his new time-travel device with coving so it looks nice for her arrival.
The device is new, and it works using the science of folding time and space in on itself like one of those paper choices things you used to make at school. When you unfold time and space, you'll be somewhere else. The science is sound, and its way better than what that dickhead Doctor Who does.
But it's dangerous. It takes a few attempts, a few clone-deaths and a severe disruption in the space-time continuum before Carl finally gets it right and takes his mail-order girlfriend to the waterfall in Last Of The Mohicans where he wants to propose.
Has the continuum been irreparably damaged? It seems that way. The new clone is only a couple of days old, but she's already been to the waterfall, set up a picnic and finished Carl's crossword.... Well, at least they aren't the dead version of themselves, doomed to an eternity of inane conversation.
Did not contain robots.
16. "HOOKERS FROM SPACE" - KT03/CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
At a planet side military base a Pleasure-Sim attempts to seduce the security guard with her extensive collection of built-in features. Male/female parts, electrical surges and a Howitzer in her ass. Etc.
Meanwhile, the Military Captain, is drunkenly passing time in a bar and chatting to Pushie, the French woman that owns it when he is informed of an impending attack on the base.
In the war-room, three idiots are unable to distinguish between the models on the strategy table, and the real threat of an invading whore army building up around the base. Including not knowing that the tiny models of themselves on the table are not actually them, and when they pick themselves up they aren't also actually picking themselves up.
With idiots like that in charge, the Sim-hookers easily get into the base. Bad times.
Did not contain robots, but did contain "Sims" which were practically the same.
15. "JURASSIC POPE" - CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
It is the year 4000AD and while a Cardinal is having a crisis of faith, Monsignor Jones is looking through the Vatican's copy of Jesus' original Bible. The Cardinal's doubt reaches its peak when Jones finds a new page that Jesus Himself must have stuck down all those centuries before. Jones carefully peels the page open to reveal a spoiler, that all the words of the Bible are entirely fictional.
But it's not as simple as that, they also must be true, because Jesus Himself must have stuck the page down. Monsignor and Cardinal are both rocked to the core. This discovery could spell the end of the Catholic faith. Monsignor Jones believes the only way to truly hide this information is by killing the Pope, but before he does that he needs to get rid of the Cardinal.
Downing him with a swift blow to the head with the Bible, Monsignor makes his way to the next part of his mission. However back in the Vatican, the Cardinal's body reanimates and contacts God through Vatican City's God-Robot-Interface, a confession droid with direct connection to the actual God, who advises the Cardinal to turn Vatican City into a theme park to distract everyone from the truth.
Contained a robot.
14. "THE EXTINCTION OF THE CLAMS" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - WILMINGTON ARMS, LONDON
The clams have evolved. They have arms, they have legs, and they can talk. This does not bode well for the humans, with their despicable nuclear families and beach holidays. Ugh.
Terry has a plan. Terry is the clam leader, elected because he is the most evil and will happily unplug electrical items without checking what they are.
On a beach, a family is enjoying a well deserved break. The kids, Mary and Jack are practising holding their breathe underwater. They're good at it, but clams are better. And evil. The apocalypse happens quick, and people flee to underground bunkers.
But clam defeat is imminent, thanks to a child's savoury snack and the quick thinking of his mother. It seems the clams didn't know that cheese doesn't usually go with shellfish.
Did not contain robots.
13. "GREYSTATION" - KT04/CM02/JM02 - BRISTOL IMPROV FESTIVAL 2013 - BIERKELLER THEATRE, BRISTOL
In a scientific research lab Steve has created life, from scratch, in a cafetierre. It's amazing. He feels like a god. That is until the organism begins to multiply out of control and go all over the floor. His boss, Jack, is not happy and two strikes will be placed on Steve's employment record. And branded onto his hands.
The new organism evolves at super-speed, develops a consciousness and begins to consume everything in it's evil path. It will stop at nothing in it's quest to destroy and feed on everything, nay, even possessing a man and scoring an internet date with a hologram woman whom it makes pregnant within seconds.
Meanwhile the Greystation cleaners are receiving a torrent of bad news. Firstly, the ghastly all-consuming mess of evil on Delta deck needs clearing up, then Gaz, their co-worker admits to having been bought everything by his super-rich father and has only been slumming it in the cleaning dept. Not to mention how sad Mr. Muscle (the cleaning spray) is after being told he was grown in a tube.
As the evil new species continues it's destruction and consumption, new life is growing in the lab. New life that reveals itself to be the antidote to the evil organism and Earth's impending doom. A lonely, sweet, cute species, growing of it's own accord. Until Steve plunges the cafetierre too early and kills it.
All the while, the eternal question hangs over everyone's heads: What is the difference between a table and desk?
Did not contain robots.
12. "HAMBURGER BIRTH" - KT04/JM02 - LONDON IMPROFEST 2013 - LION & UNICORN THEATRE, LONDON
Captain Mike and Lieutenant Dawn Frank are out in the waiting area as their partners are both in labour. Dawn's hoping her husband is having a human baby, but Mike and his wife Shirley already know they're having an alien. Mike couldn't be more thrilled with that, it's what they wanted. And they've already painted the nursery walls green in preparation.
When we jump back in time it turns out Mike is a clone. He doesn't know. He was programmed not to.
We know from glimpses of history that Captain Mike went on to become a hero. Saving the world at least 100 times from the invading forces of Fish Monsters from space. He's basically a celebrity. Everyone thinks he's amazing. All of the sign-language Marines. Everyone.
But clones aren't allowed to have children. It's illegal. Only the nurse knows and has to inform him of his true origin.
Meanwhile, Dawn's husband Nigel has given birth to a lump of meat with tentacles. It wasn't what they wanted.
Did not contain robots.
11. "ATTACK OF THE 50FT NAZI" - KT04/JM02/CM02 - RH & FRIENDS, THE MILLER, LONDON
Carlos and Hilda work hard to keep the climate of Planet Germany in balance, desperately trying to understand the one-levered machinery so the people don't riot. But despite their efforts, Germany is still losing oxygen. Thankfully a happy-go-lucky new nazi recruit is more than pleased to help in any way necessary, including being genetically engineered into a giant and sent to Planet Netherlands to suck all the Dutch Oxygen into his giant lungs, to then return with the collected atmosphere.
Meanwhile on Planet Netherlands, Mike is proposing to his girlfriend - Hilda's cloned sister Helga. When she accepts, it turns out it was all just a cunning ruse to gain all the Dutch oxygen for Mike's own evil plan. No oxygen for the Nazis.
Returning unsuccessful to Planet Germany the 50ft Nazi runs amok, causing untold damage to buildings and death. The only way to beat him it to pull the lever and suffocate him, and all the citizens of the planet. Job done.
Did not contain robots.
10. "MARZIPAN OF MARS" - KT04/JM02 - THE OLD RED LION THEATRE, LONDON
Carl has been going into cryosleep for years; his shipmates wake him up for his birthdays (and marzipan cake). His girlfriend has given up on waiting for him and the USB virtual sex hasn't been working out.
In his cryo-dreams he has started seeing and conversing with "The Horrors", creatures that he believes are harmless, despite the fears of his crew.
4000 years later and the line between Carl's cryosleep dreams and reality has become blurred. Carl slides further and further into the world of The Horrors until he finds that he has become one himself.
Did not contain robots.
9. "THE ARMAGEDDON OF RAISON D'ETRE" - JM02/KT03/PF04/MN05 - CAMDEN PEOPLES THEATRE, LONDON
While the leader of France (the greatest country in the galaxy, with a billion people) loses his grip on an unruly nation, a woman seeks advice on what employment she should pursue from her insect colleague.
Later that day the insect plots the final downfall of France, but is murdered by a rebel using a poison which destroys the third eye first.
Did not contain robots.
8. "THE WEDNESDAY OF TOMORROW" - CM02/KT03/PF04 - THE NURSERY, LONDON
With 8 days in the new calendar (Fraagday being the 8th) life is getting pretty complicated. A being with mixed up sensory perception has an orgasm from hearing opera when a half human touches his knees. Planet side, a maths farmer father mourns his dyscalcula-stricken daughter's poor grasp of how to herd Pi animals.
Did not contain robots.
7. "THE DEADENING" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - LOST THEATRE, LONDON
Due to a hatred of androids, a renegade ship's navigation officer sets a course for the sun in order to wipe out the entire android shipment in the cargo bay.
Meanwhile the on-board android's have realised they are immune to the heat of the sun, and set about deciding which of them should be crowned king Of The Robots.
Contained robots.
6. "TIME CRUST" - CM02/JM02/KT03 - LOST THEATRE, LONDON
Two engineers aboard a space station learn that the 'mulch' contents of the food they've been eating since they arrived on the station is recycled from human skin, by their overtly patriotic (racist) robot assistant.
Meanwhile, after an accident involving a chair, another crew is readying itself to dock with The Racists.
Contained robots.
5. "DAWN OF THE FLYING JELLYFISH" - CM02/JM02 - THE HORSE, LONDON
Seemingly the last two humans on earth survive by protecting themselves in a 10ft glass bubble with no air, furniture, food or water. For two years. Lamenting why humans even bothered teaching the jellyfish to fly.
If only they could reach the sandwich stall, right next to the bubble. If only they'd thought to build the bubble around the sandwich stall. If only Max could read.
Did not contain robots.
4. "WHEN PLUTO FUCKED MARS" - CM02/JM02 - MISS IMP, NOTTINGHAM
Two space-grocers travel to the dark side of Mars in a spacebuggy to see what it’s like. Two martians, king and servant, are planning a counter-attack.
Meanwhile, Pluto has grown a planet-sized cock and is set to destroy Mars with it.
Did not contain robots.
3. "LASERS OF LOVE" - CM02/JM02 - SLAPDASH FESTIVAL, THE NURSERY, LONDON
A scientist inserts the personality of his dead girlfriend into the body of a male robot, with various expansion slots and attachments. She is also equipped with a Pentium processor and 56k dial-up modem functionality.
Contained robots.
2. "SAND HOLE" - JM02/PF04 - WILMINGTON ARMS, LONDON
Two post-apocalyptic fisherman discover an unknown substance while sat round a sand hole. The unknown substance spreads and destroys much of the human race, except a receptionist and a guy heading for a job interview.
Did not contain robots.
1. "TARANTINO ANIME" - CM02/JM02 - THE MILLER, LONDON
Explorers on an alien planet battle an insect-like army with chocolate bars and the assistance of their wives.
Did not contain robots.